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Ask the therapist: How can I stop the urge to control my husband?

Our resident therapist answers your queries about life and relationships

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Be kind and courageous and be gentle and supportive to yourself internally. (PA)

Be kind and courageous and be gentle and supportive to yourself internally. (PA)

PA

Be kind and courageous and be gentle and supportive to yourself internally. (PA)

Q I have always suffered from anxiety as I grew up in an anxious and very controlled home. As a result, I have a tendency to over-focus on my husband's behaviour. My main trigger would be how much and how often he drinks. My husband doesn't have a drink problem, but like many other men in Ireland, he would drink more than the recommended guidelines. He also vapes, which I tend to focus quite a lot on. I've come to the realisation that my urge to control this is the issue, and not my husband's behaviour. I would be very grateful if you could help me and advise me on how to deal with these triggers.

A In one word, therapy. Well done for having the insight as to the origin of this, for you, which can not have been easy. It is so much easier to focus outside of yourself. Getting therapeutic support to help process what it was like for you to grow up in a controlling house and how this led to anxiety will allow you to find healthier ways to relate to yourself and others.

Change is hard. Acknowledge any anxiety or fear that comes up for you with starting this process, but keep bringing it back to the fact that this will liberate and change the quality of your life and relationships.