Tuesday 15 October 2019

Ask Brian: My gay best friend has got his first boyfriend and I can't cope with it

Our no-nonsense agony uncle gets straight to the point of your most pressing issues

(Stock image)
(Stock image)
Brian O'Reilly

Brian O'Reilly

I'm hoping you can talk some sense to me.

Me and my best friend, who's gay, have been inseparable since we met in secondary school.

We literally speak every day, go out all the time and have been on holidays together.

He's been my shoulder to cry on when boys have broke my heart and always makes me laugh when I'm having a bad day.

We started college in September and shortly afterwards he started seeing a guy he met there.

I'm was delighted for him, as we come from a small rural town and there weren't exactly loads of other gay people in our school.

But the thing is, I can't quite shake some negative feeling. I'm not sure if it's jealousy, or if I'm feeling neglected or what. I want to feel happy for him, I really do, but I'm struggling for some reason.

We still talk every day and see each other all the time, but it's a lot less. Nights that we might spend together he's now spending with his new boyfriend.

Any ideas on how I shake this negativity?


Brian replies:

Firstly, I commend you for your honesty - and for wanting to deal with these negative feelings.

It's completely understandable the slight sense of loss you're feeling based on the incredibly close friendship you've described.

You probably still see and talk to each other a lot more than most people do, but it obviously is still substantially down on what you're used to.

I think you're probably grieving a little bit, the friendship between you hasn't ended but it's obviously changed quite a bit.

You say he's helped you through heartbreak before, so it's very possible he's felt exactly what you're feeling at times in the past.

Why don't you ask him about it? How did he cope when you had boyfriends in the past? He could have the handbook written on it by now.

I would be careful that any negativity you're feeling isn't obvious to him or his new boyfriend. While I'm sure you don't want to third-wheel, you don't want to excluded from events because his new boyfriend thinks you don't like him.

I mean, unless you want a sort of Taylor/Katy Perry feud in which case go for it. Everyone needs a nemesis. Then you can just blame him for all your shortcomings and failure - personal responsibility is for chumps. 

But maybe go with option one and just be honest with your friend about how you're feeling.

Given you've both just started college you're obviously both aged in your late teens, so it's unlikely this relationship of his will last. Very, very few people end up staying with their first boyfriend/girlfriend forever, especially given they're so young as well.

I know you wouldn't wish heartbreak on him, but if it's any small comfort to you it will probably come to that eventually.

You're going through a change and you'll adjust, and those negative feelings will subside.


Do you have a problem you'd like some advice on? Email askbrian@independent.ie  to submit in confidence.  Brian cannot respond to individual emails.

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