Sunday 17 December 2017

Ask Brian: My boyfriend sends nude pictures to women on social media but won't have sex with me

Our no-nonsense agony uncle gets straight to the point of your most pressing issues

(Stock photo)
(Stock photo)
Brian O'Reilly

Brian O'Reilly

I've been with my boyfriend three years now and we have been living together for two. We have four children from previous relationships. My ex-husband cheated on me.

In terms of our relationship it's up and down, mainly due to the fact I'm very outgoing and he's not in any way, like he doesn't even have friends.

I do get bored quite often but then I think he could be out cheating on me like my husband used to do and I just stay in and go to bed and be grateful.

He is a good person in terms of wanting to settle down and build a house, he's a good worker and my ideal family man, I find him incredibly attractive but I sometimes just get pissed off with his personality and being shy.

I think a lot of it boils down to us being friends before hand. I feel that we have never had a proper spark, the sex is non-existent really and I basically feel awkward around him!! I would say I love him but it's nothing like the love I had for my ex.

The problem between us is social media! If we fight it's done through messaging it's like he cannot communicate verbally. It gets very frustrating!

When we met first it was through social media, he introduced me to snap chat etc.. then that's when it all started to go down hill. We used to send raunchy pictures to each other. The snap chatting stopped once we moved in with each other but I know for certain he kept snap chatting nudes to other women.

A year prior to this I caught him sending pictures and texting other women (not to meet up but to just talk sex etc) he promised to stop and that he was sorry.

I forgave him and we were getting on ok but the sex life was still bad, we could go a month without touching each other. He would never kiss me and it was 98pc me that made the first move!

So basically I'm going out with a man who cannot stop watching other women on social media even though he knows it hurts me. I have caught him masturbating to them instead of coming to bed with me, on several occasions but I just pretend I saw nothing. Should I just cut all ties?

Brian replies:

It seems you've reached an impasse right now.

From what you described, it seems like this is a relationship of convenience rather than true love.

He can provide for you and offers security - however you say there was never a physical spark between you both.

Plenty of couples lose the spark after being together for a while, but you've said there was never one there to begin with. How do you expect to rescue something that never existed in the first place?

It's not like your relationship is a lamp and the lightbulb has blown. Your relationship is a fork - there ain't nowhere for the lightbulb to go.

I understand your frustration and sense of betrayal over him sending explicit pictures to other women. He shouldn't be.

But it's not like the energy he previously expended in your sex life he's suddenly putting into posing artistically with his manhood - he never put energy into it in the first place.

I think the shock and circumstances of the collapse of your previous relationship allowed you to sleepwalk into a new one. 

You do have children to consider so it may be that this is the right fit for you at the minute for their stability, but in the longrun a loveless relationship will only yield more problems.

What if one of his social media girls is so impressed by his artistic nude shots that they decide to have a relationship? That stability you have right now could be ripped away suddenly.

I think you already know things aren't going to work here, but I do think for the sake of both yourself and your children take some time to consider an orderly way to end things so that it causes the least possible disruption to you and them.

You're not trying to fix something that's broken here - you're trying to fix something that never existed in the first place.

 

Do you have a problem you'd like some advice on? Email askbrian@independent.ie  to submit in confidence.

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