Ask Brian: My boyfriend seems more interested in having sex with himself than me
Our no-nonsense agony uncle gets straight to the point of your most pressing issues
Hi Brian, I'll get to the point. Been with my fella just over 2 years, and the last 6 months the sex life has all but gone.
I honestly don't think he's having an affair, he's too lazy to put in the effort in covering it up and running a second phone. The closest thing he's come to touching another woman is handing over his cash to the one in McDonalds. He's also put on about 3 stone since we met. I've been encouraging him to lose the weight, I pointed out his moobs on our holidays last month and told him he needs to get back in shape.
I check his internet history on his phone pretty regularly, and he seems to have no problem looking up porn websites and having a bit of a sexy party with himself.
What do I do?
There are two issues here in my mind.
Firstly, the decline in your sex life. You point out, rather indelicately I might add, that he's put on a bit of weight recently. It's very possible he isn't feeling the best about himself physically.
You pointing out his moobs really isn't the best way to encourage him to lose the extra weight. In fact, I feel he's shown restraint in not telling you where to go when you bully him passive aggressively by pointing it out. But I'm always looking for an opportunity to dramatically throw a drink over someone and storm away.
How about you join a gym together or suggest taking up an exercise class as a couple? There are so many more positive ways to address his weight gain than talking about getting him a training bra, or however you insult him.
Second, and a major bugbear of mine, is you checking his internet history. Unless he has given you permission to go through his phone, you have absolutely no right to do so.
It's a major invasion of his privacy and risks your relationship straying into an area of emotional abuse and control. You need to quit it.
As for him looking at porn, boys will be boys. It may shock you to learn he breathes oxygen and consumes food as sustenance.
The one note of caution I would sound about porn is the possibility it has led him to abandon your sex life, rather than his weight gain or other emotional reasons. That, unfortunately, is a possibility.
I'd give him the benefit of the doubt though and try option one of making some positive lifestyle changes together.
Stop the passive aggressive comments, stop checking his internet history and do something positive.
Do you have a problem you'd like some advice on? Email email@example.com to submit in confidence.