Monday 22 January 2018

Ask Brian: My boyfriend of three years is planning on buying a house with his friends - should I dump him?

A young couple having an argument
A young couple having an argument
Brian O'Reilly

Brian O'Reilly

Our no-nonsense agony uncle gets straight to the point of your most pressing issues.

Dear Brian,

My boyfriend of three years has spoken about his desire to buy a house - the thing is, I'm not anywhere in this plan.

He said he wants to buy a home and rent out to his friends to help pay the mortgage, but I would have thought that by now we should be thinking about moving in together.

We have spoken about marriage but he says, "Everyone in a relationship hopes for marriage" and I feel always keeps me at arm's length and prioritises his friends over me.

We are both in our mid 20s and until now, I thought very happy.

Should I break up with him because I'm clearly not part of his future or should I stick around and see if he will change his mind?



Brian replies

Dear Anon,

It sucks being a grown up.

There's a good side and a bad side to your situation.

The good bit is that it's no harm not being locked into a mortgage - and therefore a relationship - so young.

Yes, you've been together three years - but taking out a mortgage together is the financial equivalent to getting married. It's a lifetime deal.

I wouldn't rush into taking out a mortgage together any more than I would rush into getting married.

Right, now comes the bad side.

It is worrying that after three years together that your boyfriend's first thought is to buy a house to share with his friends.

Maybe he's a bit dim. Maybe you need to sit him down and lay things out for him.

But if he's planning a change to his living circumstances at this stage of life surely the next logical move is for you both to move in together. You need to uncover why this isn't his thought.

Some couples have been together for decades and never move in together - but that doesn't seem to be something you'd consider.

So yes, you're right to be concerned.

But after three years you owe the relationship at least the conversation. Try not to do it after a few glasses of wine. But maybe have some wine on standby for afterwards.

Where does he see the relationship going? Why in his mid 20s does he essentially want to buy a party pad for his friends? Why are you an afterthought in this whole process?

It certainly seems to me that he is putting his friends over you, perhaps unintentionally, but you need to stand up for yourself.

Have a chat with him about it to understand why he's thinking this way - but don't force him to ask you to move in with him. Because that's going to be an arrangement built on a very flimsy foundation.

He should want to move in with you, whether that's now or further down the line. But the fact he's clearly thinking of changing his living arrangements and has not factored in you is worrisome - you deserve some answers.

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