Wednesday 17 October 2018

Ask Brian: My boyfriend is ignoring my texts and adding girls from his new job on Facebook

Reader's boyfriend has a new job and new female friends on Facebook

(Stock image)
(Stock image)
Brian O'Reilly

Brian O'Reilly

Our no-nonsense agony uncle gets straight to the point of your most pressing issues.

Hi Brian,

Thanks for listening. 

Basically I'm with this guy nearly five years, I love him so much. I feel I would do anything for him. Up until Halloween just gone, everything was great and we were happy: we had our ups and downs as every couple does, but we got through them.

Then he broke up with me because of arguments and he couldn't do them anymore. I took it so so badly. I was lost, crying every day, I had no appetite, I'm sure it's all the same feelings anyone goes through when you break up but for me, it just knocked me so much.

I went away over Christmas to be away from him but we spoke every day and had decided to get back together when I was home.

Everything felt great and I felt happy and when I came home we got back together.

The week I came home I had my college exams and after my last exam two girls from my class came up to me and said while I was away he was on a college night out and was seen kissing two different girls. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

I cried and cried. I felt so happy and then this. He denied it for a week or so and then eventually he admitted to only being with one girl as he said he thought I would be doing the same when I was away.

I decided to keep trying with him because of the pain I felt when he had broken up with me and how much I wanted him back. Things eventually got back to normal.

My trust has never really fully come back though. Everything has been great lately until the last month. The last month has been so difficult, he has gotten a new job and has moved away.

I never see him and I just feel he's gone so distant with me. He never texts me ever, or certainly not like he used to. Yet he does be on his phone and online. He says he does be busy and never on his phone.

He's always talking about lad friends he's made in work but yet he's friends with two girls in work on Facebook but none of these lads.

I always have to go and visit him because he says he's too tired from work to come and see me.

And even then we just argue cause he doesn't text me during the day. I have tried voicing how I feel and how it hurts me.

He says I'm controlling by being angry about him being friends with the girls on Facebook. He says he doesn't have to text 24/7, which I know is true, but God the odd text couldn't do any harm.

I'm getting worried about him being friends with these girls in work and am just feeling unwanted and unloved.

He never organises anything with me because he's busy. I really want to be with him and for things to work. I just want to understand why he doesn't text me anymore

If he didn't want me wouldn't he end it again?

Just last weekend he went away with his lad friends and he didn't even text from the airport to say goodbye. I text him to say a text would have been nice and he told me I was being psycho and trying to ruin his trip.

I just don't get it at all. It's killing me. I feel depressed. I feel if we were seeing each other everyday like we used to things wouldn't be like this.

Brian Replies:

Hi Anon,

As you can tell we've edited out some parts of your letter to protect both you and your boyfriend's identity.

I think there are two possible issues here, and neither of them are particularly great news for you.

You deserve better than you are currently being treated, but you may have to face some tough decisions.

The first possibility is that he's just being a generally bad guy and messing you around - that he is inconsiderate with your feelings and completely self obsessed with his own needs and wants.

However I'd like to think that you wouldn't have stayed in a relationship with someone for five years if they had been treating you like this all along.

The more likely possibility is that the relationship has run its course (certainly for him) - and he doesn't want to hurt you and is unsure how to tell you.

That's not to say that essentially ghosting you is the way to go, if he wants to ends things he needs to be more forward and not hope that by ignoring you things will just go away.

I'm not sure what the timeline is of him kissing the other girls, but it's certainly possible that his agreement to get back with you in the first place was a decision made out of guilt.

It seems to me like you already know that he's being a general ass - you know it's not a big deal to ask for an occasional text, for him to come to your house or just to make some sort of effort with you. Yet he's not. Ask yourself why?

Him adding new female friends in his new job isn't a big deal, however lying about their gender is. It suggests he has something to hide. He may not, but it's a piece of a bigger puzzle that is rightly concerning you.

I think in his head things are already over, but seeing as he's not brave enough to do it - you'll have to, and for your own good.

It will be difficult to do because it will be knowingly inflicting a wound on yourself - but ask yourself, are you really happy with how things are now?

The relationship broke down before Christmas, and based on what you have described he's made no discernible effort to improve or change things since then.

Not unless the change he had planned was removing you from his life.

I know it's a difficult thing to accept, especially as given your age I assume you've been together since school.

But while we undergo a lot of physical growth and change in teenage years, I think people do a lot of emotional growth and change during their 20s.

The people you are now aren't the two teenagers who fell for each other. The vast majority of teenage romances don't last, and with good reason.

Look, if he's secretly madly in love with you he'll try and win you back if you break up, but I'm sorry to say I don't think he will.

You deserve better than to be second guessing yourself. It's hitting your confidence and your emotional well being.

He doesn't appreciate you. You need to learn that you're worth more than that - and that someone else will come along who does appreciate you.

Take a few days without you making the effort to contact him and see how you feel - I think what you need to do will become obvious.

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