Monday 19 November 2018

Ask Brian: My boyfriend got drunk and arrested and then told me he has sex with men

Our no-nonsense agony uncle gets straight to the point of your most pressing issues

Brian O'Reilly

Brian O'Reilly

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now, we had a "prefect" relationship (or so I thought), but over the past few months for some reason I have had a bad feeling. 

This bad feeling probably stems from the fact that most people I know, including my mam, has always said to me that he’s "definitely gay".

Now this has never been in any way in the topic of the feelings I felt towards him, at the start I always brushed those loose comments away.

In terms of telling someone’s gay from their mannerisms, well I’ve never really tried to focus much on that because In reality that’s not always true. 

Getting on with problem though, one night we went out in the clubs and my boyfriend got very drunk (as he does) and long story short ended up in a prison cell for the night and next morning.

Since I’ve known him for a year and half he’s always had quite an addictive personality so when he drinks he likes to drink a lot for short periods at a time, it’s not a major issue for me.

But on this particular night that it happened, I ended up with his phone the next morning after he was released.

Now because of this bad feeling I'd been getting I snooped on his phone (Yes Brian, I know I shouldn’t have and you'll give out, it wasn’t something I had done before and something I felt so guilty about doing afterwards).

But I was kind of glad I did because I found out that he had been on gay hookup apps the night before. He had made a brand new email account and a profile on this site and I researched further and he had 3 other accounts on this site that had all been used whilst being with me.

All his accounts had him labelled as gay also. I cried and cried. Because It was almost like a double whammy for me.

Now thinking of us sexually we never started off being sexual with each other, well I guess because I never felt passion from him. And as time had been getting on we have sex quite regularly but it’s never really felt passionate with him.

I’ve always chose to ignore that, but after what I discovered it made me think and feel so stupid, this discovery had given me the feeling like "how could you of been so stupid?".

I confronted him about this when I saw him and he tried to deny it wasn’t him but it was all so clear it was him and eventually he told me the truth, the whole truth about him.

He told me that sexually in the past, literally the year before he met me, he had been hooking up with men from this app and that even from when he was 15 he had his first gay encounter with a boy (he's now 20 by the way).

He’s had girlfriends too and they had become quite obsessed with him too, so his mam tells me. 

He’s been completely honest with me now (maybe a little too honest) but he basically is sexually attracted to men but he believes his straight and he really loves me.

I know he loves me I can feel he loves me, but can someone really love you and be doing this at the same time?

He claims he won’t do this ever again? Is he gay? Is he bi? He says he’s not into men in an emotional way, he feels that if he were to kiss a man it would make him sick. Should I still be with him? Is it worth trying to make it work?

I just feel like because I’ve uncovered this I will now always worry about what he’s doing behind my back. I also should mention he claims he has never been in any physical sexual contact with anyone whilst being with me he’s was purely on them apps. Surely he can’t find that on porn? Why else would he make profiles on hookup sites if he’s not actually hooking up?

All these questions I have I’m so sorry for rambling on.

I love this man and just want to know is he really that into me?  Should I still trust him?

Thanks for reading Brian.

 

Brian replies:

Wow, two weeks away from my column and I come back to this one. There's a lot to to unpack here.

Before we get into the relationship issues, I need to address what you disclosed about his drinking.

He may not be an alcoholic (as in, addicted and dependent on booze) - but he is definitely displaying signs of being a problem drinker.

If he's getting arrested or into trouble due to alcohol it's very much a warning sign he probably needs to consider seeking professional help.

Many people binge drink or over-consume alcohol regularly - which is a major health probem in itself - but when that drinking triggers dangerous behaviour that's an additional problem in itself. 

I'll put some links at the end of this article where you or he can seek additional advice on this and contact professionals if necessary.

Now, let's move on to the relationship problem.

Firstly, I'm glad you're a regular reader and know I scold for snooping on your partner's phone. It's a no-no.

Now I've dealt with that, I'll be blunt - he's at the very least bisexual. "I don't kiss men so I'm not gay" thing is an age-old excuse. He wouldn't be on gay dating apps or have had sex with men if he wasn't at least bisexual.

There's literally nothing wrong in any way if he is bi - but there is a problem if he's cheating on you, regardless of whether it's with men or women.

There are plenty of people on dating apps in a "look at the menu but don't order" capacity, but that doesn't make it ok either. Even if the infidelity doesn't extend to being physical, it's still emotional.

If you believe him that it's non-physical - and that's something you're ok with - well then that's grand. But it shouldn't be something he does in secret, ever.

I do commend his honesty with you - albeit when you had him rumbled - but many people would double down in lies.

Look, based on what you've described, he seems like someone who has serious issues with his sexuality. He's very confused, perhaps feeling cornered by family or friend pressures. But while you can try and help him you shouldn't have to put up with infidelity in your relationship while doing so.

I'm very torn here, because you deserve a faithful relationship. But he's also clearly someone who is struggling and needs help as well, so I don't want to overly bash him for his behaviour.

You need to look after yourself - but hopefully you can find the strength and compassion to look after him too.

 

Alcohol links:

 

Ask About alcohol

HSE advice

 

LGBT support:

Belongto.org

Lgbt.ie

 

Do you have a problem you'd like some advice on? Email askbrian@independent.ie  to submit in confidence.

Twitter: @Brian_O_Reilly

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