Thursday 23 November 2017

Ask Brian: I've found out my boyfriend of four years has had sex with a man

Image: Getty
Image: Getty
Brian O'Reilly

Brian O'Reilly

Our no-nonsense agony uncle gets straight to the point of your most pressing issues.

Dear Brian,

I've been dating my boyfriend for four years. Everyone, including my parents, loves him - he has a great job, is kind, supportive and funny. And recently he's started talking about settling down and starting a family.

On paper it all sounds perfect but I recently found out - from a friend of a friend - that he had used to have a sexual relationship with another man. When I asked him about it he said it was true but that it was just a phase he went through when he was at boarding school.

He said it doesn't mean anything and that he's 100pc straight - but is he?

When we sleep together I'm now worrying if he's thinking of other men - and when he goes out with the lads - I get suspicious about where they're going. Am I being paranoid or hopelessly naive?

Brian replies:

To answer your first concern - no, your boyfriend is not 100pc straight.

It may have been 'just a phase' according to him, but it was a very gay phase.

It sounds more like that he is bisexual and did some experimenting when he was younger and decided it wasn't for him.

But just because he's not completely straight isn't in itself a cause for concern.

I understand the news has come as a bit of a shock to you, but just because he's attracted to men and women doesn't increase the chances of him being unfaithful.

True, there might be more options for him to be unfaithful with, but ultimately if someone is going to play away there's very little you can do.

From everything else you said in your letter it seems you are very happy, and that he's a great guy by all accounts.

I wouldn't concern yourself with his 'lads' night out' - I don't think that's code for secret gay orgies.

You will need time to process this information, but right now you're just in a bit of shock.

Give it time and see how it sits with you; if your relationship is as strong as you say it will recover.

He's never given you any reason to doubt his honesty in the past, so I think you owe it to him to believe him on this as well.

Do you have a problem you'd like some advice on? Email askbrian@independent.ie  to submit in confidence.

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