Style Sex & Relationships

Sunday 16 December 2018

Ask Brian: I've been trying to catch my boyfriend out after finding an intimate photo on his phone

Our no-nonsense agony uncle gets straight to the point of your most pressing issues

(Stock image)
(Stock image)
Brian O'Reilly

Brian O'Reilly

I am in a six year relationship with my high school sweet heart.

He was there for me when my mam was diagnosed with cancer and he was there for me when she passed away on my 16th birthday five years ago. It took a long time for me to let him in, but when I did let him in I gave him my everything.

A few weeks ago he was trying to show me something on his phone and I ended up seeing a picture of his penis. I asked him why that was in there and he told me he was just measuring to see how big it is. I was upset, but he kept insisting that he didn't send it to anyone.

Recently I saw that he was receiving messages from some girl on Snapchat. I came home early from work one day. I messaged him asking him what he was doing and he said he was working out in the garden, but he wasn't there. When he came home he said he was working out at his friend's garden.

I confronted him about everything and he denied cheating. He also said he was talking to that girl on Snapchat because her grandmother died. But later revealed that she did send a picture but only of her leg. I called him a liar, and he got mad and said everything was my fault because I was busy with college and work and never had time to cook and clean anymore.

He got mad at me, kicked me out, and I had to sleep in my car. He still is saying he didn't cheat. I need some advice badly.

 

Brian replies:

First, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. That's difficult at any age but especially so young and I can only imagine how tough it's been in the years since.

Now, let's move on to the current situation you find yourself in.

I honestly don't know how men survived for so many centuries without being able to take pictures of their junk. The mind boggles. Did cavemen just hold a torch of fire really close to it?

I'm not buying his excuse that he wanted to measure it is by taking a photo of it - unless perhaps he is on the large side and his view is otherwise obstructed. But failing that, I can't really make sense of his excuse.

Making a portfolio to launch his adult film career, perhaps. But measurement isn't washing with me.

Let's move on to the day he said he was working out in the garden when he wasn't there.

I'll be honest, I'm really not a fan of trying to catch out your other half in a relationship. It comes from a place of distrust and can only sour things. And really, you ended up without the smoking gun you thought you'd uncover. He could well have been lying, but there's enough wiggle room there that there's doubt.

The messages from the girl on Snapchat are a lot more concrete evidence of infidelity to me, especially when taken with the other behaviour.

It's very possible they never had physical intimacy; but there's definitely an element of an emotional affair here.

His excuse for the contact with this other woman, that you haven't been cooking and cleaning enough, is quite frankly pathetic and has no place in any modern relationship.

He might not be Jamie Oliver in the kitchen, but I'm sure he can Google 'how to work the microwave' and cook for himself, the overgrown man-child.

I'd imagine if he asked you to leave then you're living in his house - do you have any family or friends nearby you can stay with? You shouldn't have to sleep in your car.

There has been a level of infidelity here without doubt. Whether he chooses to admit it, and whether you are able or willing to forgive it, are the next questions.

In my mind he has already partially admitted to emotional infidelity, so the choice now lies with you as to what you want to do. For me, a worrying sign is how little remorse he has shown for something which has clearly hurt you. Are you now meant to go back tail (or feather duster in this case) between your legs seeking forgiveness for upsetting him by not cleaning enough? That would just set a disastrous precedent for the relationship.

If he can't be honest about what happened, I honestly can't see how you can ever consider forgiving him.

 

Do you have a problem you'd like some advice on? Email askbrian@independent.ie  to submit in confidence.

Twitter: @Brian_O_Reilly

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