Ask Brian: I think my boyfriend has turned his car into a lurid sex den - so I'm tracking it
Our no-nonsense agony uncle gets straight to the point of your most pressing issues
My boyfriend bought his first car at the start of the year and I think he's using it as some sort of sleazy sex motel.
A few weeks ago there was definitely a smell of perfume that wasn't mine. He insisted it was mine or maybe it was his new air freshener I was picking up on. That's funny, I don't remember buying my perfume from the 'Alpine Fresh' section of the shop.
I let it go at the time, although he was forced to apologise and buy me a present when I said he was implying my Marc Jacobs Daisy was cheap by comparing it to his eye watering air freshener.
Then last weekend I found a lipstick in the car. He said it was his sister's because he'd dropped her on a night out and she must have left it there.
Pull the other one. His sister's is a little "rough and ready" shall we say. I'm fairly convinced she wouldn't even know what lipstick is and would possibly try and consume it. Her hair would require an industrial power hose to clean, if you get me. We don't get on tbh (that's another long story).
Something just feels off about this whole thing. Sometimes I even wonder if he's picking up ladies of the night.
I bought a sim for my old iPhone and have put it under the carpet in the boot, and am using 'find my iPhone' to track him. So far he hasn't gone anywhere strange, but I'm waiting for him to slip up. Then I'll bust him.
How do I get him to admit what he's doing?
Wow, that's a lot right there.
Firstly, it's wrong of you to track his car - no ifs, buts or maybes. It's a major violation of his privacy and a complete breach of trust in your relationship.
I'd be disgusted by anyone doing it even if they had concrete proof of infidelity, but you have nothing other than the exaggerated figments of your over-dramatic imagination.
You need to remove the phone from his car at the next opportunity, and don't spy on his location again before you do.
I'm not sure why you have developed this borderline neurotic obsession with his car - is it because it affords him a degree of freedom he didn't have before?
One thing is for sure; he hasn't bought a car to create his very own mobile adultery wagon.
It's no surprise to me you and his sister don't get on - and while I don't know the full story - given some of your other behaviours it wouldn't surprise me if the hostilities were initiated by you.
Manipulating your paranoia about his air freshener into making him feel like he's done something wrong and buying you a gift as an apology is verging firmly into emotional abuse territory.
You don't tell me how long you've been together or if there's been issues before, so I can't hazard a guess at what the root cause of this current situation is. But you need to take a firm step back from it, and do it now.
The tracking of his car, the making him feel guilt over innocent actions and the constant accusations based on no evidence are all warning signs that the relationship could be becoming emotionally abusive.
Physical abuse is obvious to the perpetrator and victim, emotional abuse can be a lot more subtle and creep up over time.
I'd urge you to read up more on emotional abuse and seek professional advice if you feel it's something you need help with.
If your are a woman or know a woman being physically or emotionally abused, please visit www.womensaid.ie
If you are a man or know a man being physically or emotionally abused, please visit http://www.amen.ie/
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