Saturday 18 November 2017

Ask Brian: I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me at college, now I want revenge

Brian O'Reilly

Brian O'Reilly

Our no-nonsense agony uncle gets straight to the point of your most pressing issues.

Dear Brian,

I've been with my boyfriend for about three years now, we first met in school and are trying to make the long distance thing work as we're both in first year of college: I stuck closer to home, whereas he went up to Dublin.

Things have been tough these last few months, we're used to seeing every day, but now it feels like I'm a part-time girlfriend as he's gone during the week and we both work weekends. When we do spend time together, it's been a little awkward.

I knew we'd been growing distant, but I was stunned when I was contacted by a girl on Facebook who said they'd been seeing each other in Dublin. Her battery died one day so she sent a WhatsApp from his phone one day and noticed a lot of messages from someone called 'Steve', a friend she'd never heard of. As it turns, I'm Steve.

After that, she stopped seeing him immediately but wanted to let me know because she felt it was the right thing to do.

At first I didn't believe her, but she had pictures of them together which proved it.

I'm devastated and feel so betrayed. He was up in Dublin for exams when all this happened so I couldn't confront him, and I didn't want to do it over the phone.

Now, my sadness has turned to anger and I want revenge. I want him to feel the way he's made me feel, I'm not only betrayed but I feel embarrassed and humiliated.

I have intimate pictures of him I'm going to post online, and screenshots of loads of WhatsApp messages when he's been badmouthing the lads he's supposedly good friends with.

He plays for the local GAA club and missed a big match because he was hungover, but he faked illness. He'll be dropped from the team when they find out.

I want everyone to know what a bad person he is and what he's done. Do you think he deserves it?

Thanks,

Anon

 

Brian replies:

Hi Anon,

Firstly, this is a terrible situation to find yourself in and I sympathise with you greatly. A lot of school romances break down during the first year of college as couples can be separated geographically or just fall in with new groups of friends.

I completely understand your great sense of betrayal and upset and it's important to remember you have done nothing wrong here. He chose to go behind your back, he chose to to see another girl, and he chose not to tell you about it.

I'm glad the other girl involved didn't know he had a girlfriend and I'm sure it was difficult for her to make contact with you to break the news.While I fully understand your yearning for revenge - and am partial to the occasional elaborate revenge plot myself - you need to reconsider.

Firstly releasing intimate photos of him is completely wrong, no matter what he has done to you.

Yes, he has broken your trust, but he hasn't broken the law. If you release intimate pictures of him you could find yourself in court relating to revenge porn.

Also while I understand you want to release the text messages to his friends, I don't think this serves you well either.

He confided these things to you in the confidence of a relationship, as I'm sure you confided things to him. Are you prepared for all you dirty laundry to be made public if he decides to retaliate?

We've all dreamt at some point of executing a TV show-like perfect revenge plot on someone - but in reality things just get messy and nasty.

So I'd hold back on going all Kill Bill on him.

If you do go down this road all you will do is ensure further misery for both of you, out of an already lousy situation.

Next time you see him tell him what you've found out, confront him and let your feelings out - then move on. You'll be better off for it in the long run.

 

Do you have a problem you'd like some advice on? Email askbrian@independent.ie  to submit in confidence.

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