Monday 18 June 2018

Ask Brian: I found my boyfriend and his best friend sweaty and alone together - are they having a gay affair?

Our no-nonsense agony uncle gets straight to the point of your most pressing issues

(Stock photo)
(Stock photo)
Brian O'Reilly

Brian O'Reilly

How do I begin?

I met my current boyfriend through a family friend a few years ago, and after a while we started seeing each other.

As our romance developed, my friend seemed to distance himself from me specifically and I think he was unhappy for us. Anyway I really didn't care I didn't think anything of it.

It's now five years later and they are still friends and me and my boyfriend are a great couple, or so I thought.

I don't really get on with my boyfriend's brothers, so I always call ahead when I'm visiting to make sure he's home and I don't have to deal with them.

Recently myself and my sister were in a supermarket close to his house so I decided to drop in, mainly because I had my sister with me as back up if his nasty brothers were there.

We were ringing the doorbell for a while but there was no response, so we just assumed no one was home.

Just as we went to leave the door swung open, but no one was standing there so I went inside.

My boyfriend was standing in the sitting room acting as though he was cleaning up his home.

While his friend was sitting on the couch sweating like he had just run a five mile sprint.

I asked what was going on and gave an awkward laugh, because the scene was so strange. My strange feeling was only furthered by the fact he didn't bother to hug or kiss me like he normally would.

My boyfriend finally mumbled something about the two of them playing FIFA for a few hours and it was intense.

I looked at the TV, it was off. I looked at the PS4, it was off. No cable or game console was connected anywhere else.

As we stand there in the door way looking around suspiciously I couldn't help but think that they were doing something sexual.

This would explain my boyfriend's distance and his friend's profuse sweat.

I'm also thinking he opened the door thinking it was his brother because they weren't there at the time this had taken place, which was also strange because they are always there.

My sister and I left as we walked to the car she said "well that was weird" so it wasn't a feeling I just had, she had it too.

Brian, Please help me figure this out, it's been haunting since it happened. It haunts my dreams.

There's nothing wrong with being gay, but why put me through that if you are sleeping with your friend.

I'm really confused. We are having a baby and I'm really nervous that he's done this behind my back. How can I trust him? How can I allow them to still be friends? How can I have a baby with a liar?

For the last few months he's been pressuring me to change things up in the bedroom, if you get me. I declined his suggestion and he went into a huff and he wouldn't have sex with me for weeks. But obviously his suggestion also has me wondering if he is gay.

One more thing. Anytime my boyfriend sees a gay couple or a gay person on TV he always has something negative to say. But I feel now that he's jealous that they are OUT and he doesn't know how to be.

 

Thanks for having an available email for my concerns.

 

Brian replies:

This situation is obviously causing you a lot of stress, and you really don't need that if you are expecting a child.

I think you might be misreading some things here.

Let's start with your friend distancing himself from you after you became involved with your boyfriend (who was originally his friend).

I don't think that's because your friend was secretly madly in love with your boyfriend, it's more just the change in dynamic between the three of you. Originally, him and your boyfriend and him and you were friends separately. When you and your boyfriend became involved, he probably felt a little out of place suddenly.

Most people don't enjoy the feeling of being a third wheel. Well, unless you're like me and enjoy the opportunity to meddle because you love some drama by making reference to former one night stands.

As for the situation you describe in his house, that's a little less clear.

I'll be honest - it is odd that your boyfriend claim they had been playing video games yet all the equipment was unplugged.

Now that doesn't mean they were fooling around, but they were possibly up to something they didn't want you to know about.

The sweat certainly suggests it was physically taxing on his friend. Although your boyfriend wasn't sweating profusely - but maybe he's just a really lazy lover.

The homophobic behaviour you say he exhibits when he sees a gay couple could also be a worry - sometimes the most homophobic people are secretly gay themselves and use it to deflect.

I wouldn't read too much into his requests for you in the bedroom (you may have noticed we edited out a lot of that, it risked turning my column into Fifty Shades of Brian - but if there's demand we can make that a thing).

One word of caution on your sex life however - he should never pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable with. He can suggest whatever he wants, but he should never pressure you or try to punish you after you turn him down. That's not on. You need to be comfortable.

I'd like to think in 2018 everyone is free to come out if they're gay, but sadly that's still not the case. However it would be a little odd for him to be secretly gay but his brothers facilitate him by leaving the house for him to fool around. That would suggest there's no family pressure for him to remain closeted, but that obviously isn't the only factor.

Based off your email, I think there has to be a lot more going on than you've disclosed. You don't just walk in on your boyfriend and his friend in an awkward situation and immediately jump to assuming they're secret gay lovers.

Maybe they had been practicing a dance routine. Maybe his friend had a particularly aggressive curry the night before and had just returned from the bathroom. Maybe he had just completed the ice bucket challenge and was mortified because it's so tragically 2016.

There is some level of distrust in your relationship already for you to even think they were fooling around- and you need to reflect on where that's coming from.

Do you trust him? If you don't, well that's a major issue (assuming he's not having a secret gay affair, in which case we'll rank the ole gay affair as first on the list of major issues).

You need to put yourself and your baby first here. Decide if you trust him, and then set your mind at rest by discussing the incident with him - but not from a place of judgement or suspicion. You're having a child together, so regardless of what unfolds you need to try and remain civil with each other.

 

Do you have a problem you'd like some advice on? Email askbrian@independent.ie  to submit in confidence.

@Brian_O_Reilly

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