Tuesday 16 January 2018

Ask Brian: I caught my boyfriend watching porn on his phone, should I dump him?

(stock image)
(stock image)
Brian O'Reilly

Brian O'Reilly

Our no-nonsense agony uncle gets straight to the point of your most pressing issues.

Dear Brian,

I don't know what to do. Last week I caught my boyfriend of 18 months watching porn.

I got off work early and called over to his house as we were meant to be going out for dinner. I was chatting to his mam in the kitchen as she said he was up in his room after the shower.

After a few minutes I decided to go up and get him and caught him "giving himself a treat" while watching porn on his phone with his earphones in. I was shocked and left straight away, I just told his mam I was suddenly feeling sick.

The thing is, I feel like this is cheating. He shouldn't be getting off to other women when he's with me.

I confronted him about it and he claims it's normal and I'm overreacting.

I really don't think I am. What should I do?

Brian replies:

Dear Anon,

First question - does your boyfriend not have a lock on his bedroom door?

I'd hope he normally takes more precautions when 'giving himself a treat'. It could have been his mother who walked in and that would have scarred them both for life.

But anyway, that's just an observation. Addressing your issue - yes, you are overreacting.

Don't get me wrong, you're entitled to feel shocked and upset, but don't over blow it to the point of ending the relationship.

It's a cliché I know, but boys will be boys. I don't think it's any way comparable to cheating on you.

I think you might be putting too much thought into the whole thing, way more than he did.

Honestly, it was probably a toss up between playing his PlayStation to pass the time or, well, playing with himself.

Don't take it as a betrayal, and don't take it as any reflection of you, because it's not.

You're entitled to your reaction and you're entitled to feel how you want - and if it's something you can't get over then maybe you should consider ending things. But I don't think it's a major betrayal, and hopefully you'll come to feel that way too.

Telling him to never do it again or you'll end things won't work either; it will probably just create secrecy in the relationship.

Be honest and open about it, laugh about it. He's probably mortified. There are few things on the mortification scale that could be worse.

If you think that when you're in a relationship with somebody they'll suddenly not be attracted to anyone else ever again, you'll be sorely disappointed. It doesn't happen.

Porn isn't real life; it's not comparable to someone physically cheating with someone else.

Explain to him why it hurt your feelings for sure, but I think you'll come to understand it's not the betrayal you might feel it is now.

I think the logical outcome from all this is that in future he takes precautions in the bedroom, by locking the door.

Do you have a problem you'd like some advice on? Email askbrian@independent.ie  to submit in confidence.

Online Editors

Promoted Links

Style Newsletter

Stay on top of the latest fashion, beauty and celeb gossip in our Style newsletter.

Promoted Links

Editors Choice

Also in this section