Thursday 19 July 2018

Ask Brian: I broke up with my girlfriend because I didn't want to miss lads holidays and nights out

(Stock photo)
(Stock photo)
Brian O'Reilly

Brian O'Reilly

Our no-nonsense agony uncle gets straight to the point of your most pressing issues.

Dear Brian,

I split up from my girlfriend a few years ago but I’ve always wanted to be with her even though I’m the one that broke it off.

We’ve met up since on and off but stopped talking (first time as she found a text from another girl from before we met back up & second time for booking a holiday I had planned before we met back up).

She was my first and only girlfriend and is the love of my life and not a day goes by that I don't think about her.

I don’t see myself being with anyone else yet I cannot commit to the relationship. I’ve been lucky enough to meet other really nice people but ultimately she’s the only one I will ever want to be in a relationship with and have a family with.

I feel my reasons for not being able to commit are missing out on other things like going on holidays with my friends, nights out with my friends and weekends away etc.

I wish I could commit fully to her as I love her so much and she’s being through a lot over the last few years.

I know I have serious commitment issues and I would like to overcome these and would really appreciate your advice.

Thanks,

Anonymous

Brian replies:

Hi Anon,

Firstly, I commend you for your honesty.

I think the reason you have for breaking up with your girlfriend is fairly common, although people lie to partners (and maybe themselves) about it. FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out to the uninitiated).

I think everyone in a relationship has felt it at some point.

I do think she's being a little unreasonable for not talking to you over the text and holiday.

Some people get over a relationship by getting back out there and making plans, others don't. You chose one path and she chose the other, but she shouldn't be punishing you for that. You did nothing wrong.

You say a lot of your commitment issues stems from fear of missing lads holidays or nights out.

Did you actually miss out on any big events with your friends over the course of you relationship? Is this an actual occurrence or just a hypothetical what if?

In most relationships people are happy for their other halves to have nights out with friends or trips away - it's a break for both people.

Your night out is her wine and real housewives, the two passions in her life you give her judgy eyes for during the week/ at weekends/ when your mam is over.

If your ex had an issue with you seeing your friends, well that is an issue.

A night out here or there and a couple of days away once or twice a year shouldn't be a problem - unless of course she never gets any time with you without a random friend by your side.

You seem to want your cake and eat it; the benefits and comfort of a relationship, but the freedom of being single. It doesn't work like that - when you're in a relationship with someone else you have to take their feelings into consideration.

I think a major mistake you have been making is continuing to meet up with her since the break up.

The head decides to break up, the heart takes the beating.

You can't move on from her if you keep seeing her, it's as simple as that. It's like an alcoholic having that 'one last drink' every few days. You don't give it up until you give it up.

You won't truly know if you can't live without her unless you actually try. Every time you see her it just sets you back.

We're not talking a few weeks here, we could be talking many months or even a year or two.

If you still miss her after a prolonged period without seeing each other then you need to decide - are you ready to give up part of your freedom?

There's nothing more tragic then being the last lad standing - in a few years you'll have nobody for lads holiday with anyway.

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