Saturday 19 October 2019

Ask an expert: Could making my lesbian fantasy real destroy my marriage?

Cate Blanchett plays a married woman who falls in love with another woman in Carol
Cate Blanchett plays a married woman who falls in love with another woman in Carol

Each week, adult and specialist adolescent psychotherapist Belinda Kelly answers your queries.

Q. I’ve been married for five years to an older man who is sexually very experienced. When we have sex, we watch lesbian porn. Lately, I have started to wonder what it would be like to have sex with a woman. My husband is very keen to explore swingers’ clubs or to invite another woman to have sex with us, but I worry about it affecting our relationship. I worry I may be gay or that he may want other women instead of me. What if we get bored with having sex with each other?

A. Of course you have concerns about going outside the bounds of your relationship. Making the decision to invite other people into your most intimate sexual experience is huge. This is a big change for a couple and is not to be taken lightly. You say that your husband is ‘very keen’ to move in this direction, and I understand that you are curious about being sexual with another woman, but I don’t get a sense that you are as eager as he is to act on this desire. It’s really important that you are equally as invested in this decision. Otherwise, you could find yourself in a highly vulnerable situation, where it’s too late to turn back. You need to feel in control of your choices here.

If you are serious about testing this out, I would suggest spending a lot of time working out if this is right for you. Perhaps ask yourself why this issue has risen at this stage in your relationship? The most important thing is not to make assumptions that you both want the same thing.

You will need to spend a lot of time discussing what you both want or don’t want from this exploration. You will also need to take time to agree on setting very clear boundaries. Spend time researching other couples’ experiences of swinging. Go to a newbies swingers’ club and agree not to participate, just go to witness what it’s like. This will give you an opportunity to assess what it actually involves. It will also enable you to change your mind.

As for your worries about your sexuality, it is now firmly established that sexual attraction is not binary or that it runs along straight lines. A study in 2015 found that of 345 women who identified as straight, 82pc of the women tested were aroused by both sexes. Dr Reiger, from the University of Essex, said: “Even though the majority of women identify as straight, our research clearly demonstrates that when it comes to what turns them on, they are either bisexual or gay, but never straight.” So I hope this reassures you that your sexual fantasies are truly normal. 

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