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Ask Allison: 'Every single small thing turns into a battle with my husband'

Our resident therapist answers your queries about life and relationships

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Q I don't know who I am anymore.

I am not sure if I am the problem or my husband is. He has a very strong personality and very firm ideas about how things should be done. Small things. Like where we keep the fruit in the fridge. I put it one place and he moves it to another, even though I am the one who makes the kids lunches etc. I am no angel either - I always stand my ground, so we argue a lot. Everything is a battle. I have tried to talk to him about it but he just argues the minutiae of each issue and refuses to see the big picture. He snaps at the kids too - overreacting to small things and again, when I challenge him he argues the point and ignores the real issue, which is how he communicates. He says I am the problem as I argue with everything but I hate the controlling and I don't want my kids to think it's OK for one person to dictate the rules. Maybe I am the problem. We are probably giving them a terrible example. What do you think?

A It is such an incredibly hard feeling when you don't know who you are. There's a real grounded inner peace that comes from knowing who you are, what you stand for, where you begin and where others end. It is not just being aware of yourself and your core identity, it provides a confidence in your competence with specific regard to trusting yourself, your thoughts and actions.