Aidan & Claire advise: Should I confess to reading her diary?
I’m not proud of myself about this, but I recently found my girlfriend’s diary and I couldn’t resist having a look...
We've been going out for a year and I always thought our relationship was strong, but now I've seen what she really, privately thinks about things and I can't get it out of my head.
In her diary she writes about our sex life, and how she didn't really enjoy it at first. But she says that she liked me enough to stick with me and work on it. This was a real blow because I thought sex between us was amazing from the start. I can only assume that she was faking it, and although she writes later in the diary that our sex life is better, it still doesn't sound too enthusiastic.
She also writes about some of my friends: it turns out she hates my best friend from childhood and has to endure him with gritted teeth when he's around. She also isn't too crazy about my sister or mother, calling them judgemental and interfering. Again, I don't know what planet I was on if I didn't notice all of this.
Now I'm wondering what kind of relationship we have at all when I didn't cop any of this stuff.. I'm also pretty mad at her for not being honest with me. I'm still reading her diary periodically. I'm thinking I should confess what I've done to get all of this out in the open. Maybe it will be for the best?
Aidan says: The man who knew too much, eh? What your girlfriend scribbles in her diary is private -- no matter how tempting, you shouldn't have read it.
You let your curiosity get the better of you and look where it's got you. It must suck to read how she really feels about you, your sex life and your family.
You've opened Pandora's box and got a nasty surprise, so you've got to ask yourself: do you want a girl who doesn't like your mates and family and thinks you're only okay in bed? If it was the other way around and you felt these things towards her, why would you be in this relationship? Has she settled for you?
It sounds to me as if she has, and I think you've got to now act now. Here are your black-and-white options as I see them: either you stop reading her diary, accept her private feelings and get on with your relationship, or you dump her because you know too much about what she really feels.
Confronting her and admitting what you did will make this worse -- your girlfriend will feel deceived and will never trust you again.
You've forced your own hand on this issue, so now man up, quit your sneaky habits and accept that your actions have inevitable consequences.
Oh, you never once said that you love your girlfriend, so would it be so bad if you broke up? The truth hurts, but at least you know it.
Either way, good luck with it!
Claire says: This is a tough one. First, you have to stop reading. You need to sit down and evaluate the relationship. Is this the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and is that even possible now that you have found out how she really feels?
I think you should confront her. It will be difficult to do so, as you will have to admit that you invaded her privacy by reading her diary, but I don't think you can stay in a relationship where you are living a lie.
Has she given you any indication that she is unhappy? Or that she has a problem with your family and friends? If so, perhaps you do not need to admit you read the diary and you could just sit down with her and ask how she feels things are between you.
I would do that first. If she comes clean, then you may be able to work through it. Perhaps she doesn't feel the same as she did when she wrote those things. Maybe she had been having a bad day.
If she denies that anything is up, then think long and hard about whether you can trust her. If you cannot be honest with each other, then I seriously doubt that you have a future together.
My mother always says: "Never write down what you don't want others to read." This is not to say you were right to read her diary, but if your girlfriend feels this way, then she ain't the right girl for you. Best of luck.