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Sex & Relationships

June 2020

Covid-19 restrictions can take a toll on your mental health. PIC posed by models

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Ask the therapist: I am so busy that I never eat well or exercise - I feel like a loser

Q I used to be so fit and healthy and organised. Now I am completely overwhelmed, even when I shouldn't be. I have two children, aged two and eight, and I work about 15 hours a week - my husband works full-time and I am happy to take on the domestic and childrearing duties as I really enjoy it all. On paper, I should have all the time in the world to exercise and eat well, but I never do. I feel like I am always chasing my tail and half-doing everything. Can you give me some guidelines on becoming more disciplined and getting more out of my day?

May 2020

A number of letters have been received from men who are being bullied by their wives

Dear Mary: I don't think I can continue in marriage where I feel completely used by my wife

Q: I am a man in my mid-50s, I've been married for almost 30 years and have adult children. I feel completely taken advantage of. My wife has never worked outside the home, so money has been tight  throughout our married life. It is only in the past few years, now that college costs are a thing of the past, that we have some extra money left over each month from my wages. I pay the  mortgage and all the bills. My wife insists on getting half of any money that is left over, which means that she gets €700 a month.
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Ask the therapist: I resent my husband as all the domestic work is on my shoulders

Q The division of labour in our house since the lockdown has been really unfair. My husband is busier than ever and is working 50/60-hour weeks. I work for myself so have scaled back as the first few weeks were unbearable when we were trying to both work full-time with our two kids - a two-year-old and a seven-year-old. I am so angry about the fact that all the domestic work is entirely on my shoulders and if I bring it up with my husband he gets angry, as he says there is nothing he can do about it. I feel like my career has been diminishing since we had kids and this is just the icing on the cake.
Be kind and courageous and be gentle and supportive to yourself internally. (PA)

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Ask the therapist: How can I stop the urge to control my husband?

Q I have always suffered from anxiety as I grew up in an anxious and very controlled home. As a result, I have a tendency to over-focus on my husband's behaviour. My main trigger would be how much and how often he drinks. My husband doesn't have a drink problem, but like many other men in Ireland, he would drink more than the recommended guidelines. He also vapes, which I tend to focus quite a lot on. I've come to the realisation that my urge to control this is the issue, and not my husband's behaviour. I would be very grateful if you could help me and advise me on how to deal with these triggers.

April 2020

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Ask the therapist: 'My husband has depression: I feel trapped & hate my life'

Q My husband suffers from depression and is on medication. We have three children all under 10. I appreciate that he has an illness but I believe that he is using it as an excuse to behave appallingly. He is selfish and self-centred and horrible to the kids and me. We are not a team. I do everything in the house and with the kids. It has got even worse since he was diagnosed as now I feel like I can't ask him to do anything. I hate my life but I feel like I can't leave as it will look awful. It will also throw us into poverty as he is the main breadwinner. I am trapped and I don't know what to do.
Jennifer O'Dwyer, a-mum-of-two with her son Arthur Gallery

Lockdown logistics: do couples or singles have it worse?

Two of my best friends and I have a running debate. They are both mothers of three. I have one child. Both are married, I am separated. Both have lost one parent. I have two, fully functioning. Who has it better, or harder, we like to jokingly moan at each other? Partly, it's a reference to the fact that at some point, each of us manages to convince ourselves, if only for a moment of secret self-pity, that things are hardest for us. At another level, we're making the point that actually, life is challenging for all of us in different ways.
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Ask the therapist: 'I can't help thinking of my ex-boyfriend & how he lied'

Q I went through a terrible breakup and I am still struggling with it now. I went out with my ex boyfriend for over three years until he broke up with me almost two years ago. It was very unexpected and I was absolutely devastated when it happened. He did not really give any definitive reason at the time but made vague statements about us being different and wanting different things. Despite this he said that he loved me and that we just needed some time to work on ourselves and then we could work on our relationship. We had a bit of contact and then he said that I was too much and we needed to move on.

March 2020

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