Tuesday 12 December 2017

8 Notions every Irish woman has had

Holly Shortall

Do any of these relate to you?

1. "These are an investment piece"

No refund or exchange on sale items? No problem, because there’s literally NO way those seven-inch stilettos you just bought in the sales are going to be seen anywhere other than on your feet,  every day, for the rest of your life. Two days later, your feet are covered in sores and the designer sale shoes you swore you would live in for all eternity have been relegated to the back of the wardrobe, only ever to be taken out again for an event where you’re not required to do anything other than sit down.

While there, you will tell anyone who asks how they were the best thing you ever purchased, and that how at 50% off, you’re raging you didn’t pick up another pair.

2. "The diet starts tomorrow"

You’ve just ordered a curry - promising yourself ‘that’s it now, the last takeaway of the year’. Your work uniform is laid out, runners by the door, as you’ll be getting up extra early to walk to work. You’ve even made a gorge salad to bring for lunch. Cue the morning, you’ve slept through your alarm, and it’s lashing rain outside so you have to get Uber, forgetting your lunch in the rush. 

Come 1pm, everyone’s going to the Italian next door for the €8 meal deal. You decide to walk home after work to make up for this morning but when a colleague offers you a lift, you can’t refuse. At this stage you’ve already gone WAY over your calorie intake for the day, you’re tired, Corrie’s about to start, and you’re in no mood to cook, so you order an another curry, but it's fine because the diet will definitely start tomorrow.

 

 

3. "This will be a seriously glam night out with the girls"

You and your gang of girls have promised yourselves ‘The Glammest Night Ever’, with a table booked in Lillie’s for 10pm. The Grey Goose and Moet is chilling in the fridge and started flowing a little too heavily.

It's 10:15 and too late for Lillies now, so you decide to wing it and get a taxi into town, pestering the driver to ‘TURN IT UP!!’ as that’s your song is on the radio.

You end up at Coppers where you find a table of gorgeous first year Gardai trainees who you party the night away with. The ‘Glammest Night Ever’ ends with a rickshaw to Zaytoon, where you all order two lamb doners each.

 

4. ''I’m just flying into Penneys"

You literally just ran in to get a pair of tights, yet here you are 58 minutes later, in a mile long queue, two baskets in hand, with a bout of ‘buyer’s remorse’: Do you really need the four pug-print cushions?  ‘Yes’ you think, ‘I work hard and I deserve them’. You wait with baited breath as the cashier scans item after item. The total rings up at €142.32. You internally scream.

You get home and assess the damage: A new bed spread, three pairs of flats, a five-pack of thongs, matching pyjamas for you and your sister, scented candles, some scatter cushions for the sitting room, a set of empty bottles for your holiday liquids, €42 worth of jewellery and a receipt the length of your leg . It’s only now that you realise you forgot to buy the tights you went in for in the first place.

 

5. "I’m going au naturel at the gym"

You’ve just joined the local gym, and after a week or so of sweating it out with a full face of make-up, you decide enough is enough. The  black rings of mascara around your eyes look ridiculous; you’re not going to wear a scrap of make-up anymore while working out.

But you couldn’t go completely au natural, and book yourself into the local beauty salon for a set of HD brows, eyelash extensions, acrylic nails and a spray-tan to enhance the natural you. €100 poorer, with inch-long eyelashes, jet black brows and a skin colour that can only be likened Club Orange spilled on a mahogany table, you realise the black rings weren't so bad after all.

 

6. "My parents are going to love my new boyfriend"

You’ve texted him a list of topics which are strictly off-limits, including your da'ds hair transplant and your mum's ongoing family feud. Fully aware he’s coming straight from football practice, you’ve asked him not to go for the usual ‘one’ in the local after, and that the dinner your mum has carefully planned will be at 7pm, sharp.

He arrives 45 minutes late, half cut, still in his football gear. His phone died so he never got your texts and he begins the conversation by saying how young your dad looks with the new hair. The night ends with your mother in tears after he mentions her sister, with your dad furiously asking your boyfriend to leave and you're fuming because you thought it could have been worse.

 

7. "The sun will definitely come out today, it's time for my summer wardrobe"

You can totally wear your new knee-high gladiator sandals today - Jean Byrne said it would reach highs of 11 degrees this afternoon; sure that’s practically Spanish climate for the Irish, is it not? Choosing to ignore the weather-warning Ms Byrne also mentioned, you lace up those bad boys ready for the day ahead.

Sally-Hansen’d up to your belly button, you make your way to the bus stop in the lashing rain. When you eventually make it to town to meet your friends, who are both wearing parkas and wellies, you’re soaked head to toe, you’ve orange drips running down your legs, you’re pretty sure you have pneumonia, but you are still 100% confident that the sun will make an appearance at some stage today.

 

8.  "I am SO over my Ex"

The end of a relationship results in many stages - one minute you’re out until 4am, screaming to anyone who will listen about how delighted you are to be young, free and single again. Next thing you know, you’re on your couch watching The Notebook, loudly sobbing into a bottle of a white as you peruse your ex’s social media accounts in the vain hope that this is some sort of therapy.

 

You’ve confidently told all your friends and family that you’re totally over him, several times, yet here you are, 32 weeks deep in his Instagram account, your thumb a mini-version of Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible as you weave in and out of his personal photos without accidentally ‘liking’ a single one.

 

Online Editors

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