Spring trends to avoid
Spring is finally here encouraging a whole new collection of fashion misdemeanours. What looks edgy on a model strutting down the catwalk can look plain awful on you and me.
Here's our guide to the spring trends you really should avoid:
If you are an iconic designer and you live in the closeted world of high fashion, you can throw any old thing down a runway and people will tell you things are peachy.
Wasting no time in air-kissing your backside at every opportunity, your ambitious minions will nod in agreement and applaud when you tell them "looking like a go-go dancer is just so 2011". There can be no other explanation for the resurgence of neon.
If Christopher Kane and Julien McDonald are reading this, we would like to say a big thanks in advance for making every girl under the age of 24 look like the promoter of an illegal rave circa 1988.
There are so many reasons not to do this it is hard to know where to start, but here's are a few off the top of my head:
Wear neon to work and you give colleagues headaches.
Wear neon outdoors and you blind passing motorists.
Wear neon near the coast of Cuba and people will hand you some chains to go with your outfit.
No good can come of neon.
Verdict: A look that screams newspaper vendor can only do mischief.
A close relative of winters surprise pyjama trend, 'the onesies' jumpsuits have been quick off the blocks this spring. Sleekly presented with ballerina buns and ribbon belts on the catwalks of Etro, Cavalli and Lagerfeld, we only wish they could have stayed right there.
OK, jumpsuits do save us the bother of having to think about what to wear, but that pales in comparison to the time wasted when going for a pee takes 42 minutes and becomes an exercise in military planning. If you have picked up a pound or two over the winter months you will wobble. If you don't have boobs made of forged steel you will wobble.
If you are not an Amazonian goddess with the body of a pancake and 24hour access to a skilled seamstress - you will wobble!
Verdict: Forget it. Bingo-wings meets baby-grow will never be flattering.
Dolly Parton, the cast of Beverly Hills 90210 and girl group Bewitched are just some of the people who have championed this look. It's not that denim is a bad thing - it lasts for ages, it's extremely adaptable and is great for bringing through the change in seasons. But double denim?
Derek Lam, Mulberry and Stella McCartney all bulked up the denim this season and as bad as the catwalk version is, now that the trend is on the high street, things will only get worse. Be vigilant. If this one catches we'll all be dressing like cowgirls and buying mullets in TopShop come Christmas.
Verdict: There's is neither a time or a place to look like Jon Bon Jovi.
In these dour times of economic uncertainty, it's good to know Stella McCartney and the folks at Prada have got our backs. Yup, far from pandering to a super rich fashion elite, those gods of the catwalk have decided to cheer up the little people by dressing us up in large pieces of fruit. Every season has a playful trend. This season is fruity prints.
Can't pay the mortgage? Try a whimsical banana print safari blouse.
Just been made redundant? Here's an orange print halter-neck dress to take away the blues.
Whilst some will believe that strawberry print styling is the very embodiment of a cheerful sartorial summer, we think that dressing like a giant smoothie is a crime against good taste. Fruit is fashion Prozac but the side effects are horrendous.
Verdict: Unless you want to look like a giant bottle of Timotei, avoid this trend at all costs.