Saturday 21 April 2018

Welcome to FUTV

George Bush had Fox News, Saddam Hussein had Comical Ali and now Manchester United have their own machine for propaganda pushing: MUTV. The tv station has been around for several years but having learned its lesson after letting Roy Keane play the pundit -- and write his own United career death warrant -- there was no getting away from the agenda last week.

One statement from Alex Ferguson, one from Wayne Rooney, one interview each by somebody within the same organisation, no awkward questions, nothing more to see here, thank you very much, good night.

With the amount of power they now possess, surely players should have their own channel without pesky things like reporters to point out any inconsistencies in their stories.

Introducing FUTV, the station by the players for the players -- and if supporters can't afford to subscribe then the message is simple: FU.

Only on FUTV can you see the show 'Who Wants To Be Even More of a Millionaire' where the 'phone an agent' lifeline is by far the most popular.


Sample questions include: "If you wish to leave your current employer do you: a) tell the truth that it's because of money; b) blame the players around you; c) cite the club's lack of ambition in comparison to yours; or d) start playing so badly that they want to sell you anyway."

The beauty of this game show is that even the wrong choice means you merely drop to £90,000-a-week and you still have the chance to change your final answer, or perform a complete U-turn, for 24 hours afterwards, depending on the audience's reaction.

Next up is 'The Apprentice', FUTV style. In this version, players set out a list of tasks for potential clubs, which abandon all self-respect in the hope of being the one chosen for the honour of paying that player's exorbitant wages for the next five years.

Forget a zero on the potential signing-on fee? Fail to have a list of the group of superstars you're targeting? Bothered by your club's current debt and how they'll manage to double the player's wages? Sorry clubs, you're all fired!

In between such programmes are adverts in which agents wearing flashy suits while showing clips of players in anguish have a simple message.

"Have you been playing badly for years and it was someone else's fault? If so, get your lackey to call Agents4u and we'll do the rest.

"We promise your case will be No move, No fee (plus a large slice of any future earnings) and we will take care of everything from leaking stories to the press to undermining your current manager. Agents are waiting for you to call NOW."

FUTV also offers exclusive access inside the houses of real footballers to see how they spend all of their money in repeats of 'Mtv Cribs'.

Marvel at how a journeyman like Ashley Ward can afford such an enormous house or take notes as Harry Kewell's wife describes the epic journey of their bath, which was carved from Italian stone then, after it was too heavy to bring up stairs, was lifted by a crane and plopped into Mr and Mrs Kewell's bathroom.

FUTV also brings you harrowing real-life documentaries about what life was like before the patron saint of modern players, Jean-Marc Bosman, arrived and tells tales of former players who have had to sell their medals to make their old age bearable. So as not to frighten today's teenage millionaires too much, we'll balance it with a four-hour special on whether 'Pro Evo' or 'FIFA' is the better computer game.

All of this comes to you from the amazing price of ¿1,190 per month which, if it seems excessive, probably means you're too poor to enjoy or buy anything from FUTV anyway.


The subscription fee represents the hourly rate of pay which Wayne Rooney will receive for every one of the next five years at Old Trafford so, if you want to be like Wayne, call now. (We reserved the right to hike the fee in accordance with anything above Rooney's basic wage).

Your fee will also include FUTV Gold, the sister station which stars of the past reveal their secrets.

Winston Bogarde tells us how to live in another country while flying to training every morning and picking up £40,000 a week.

Holland's answer to Arthur Scargill, Pierre van Hooijdonk tells us how not to use player power (tip: you have to be a much better player than he was), while Steven Gerrard gives his insight into how to retain your one-club-for-life reputation despite being hours from signing for Chelsea and having your shirt burned in the street by those who now worship you.

Post-watershed, FUTV provides advice from real-life players on how to burn money in the street, urinate on a dancefloor and sleep around and get away with it.

All this for less than the price of what Yaya Toure earns in an hour. It's a massive, massive offer, too good to miss. Call now.

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