'It's strange because there are days I feel like a normal person' - Harry Arter
After the most traumatic of years, Ireland midfielder Harry Arter is finally starting to find a consistent level of happiness once again.
This Saturday will be the first anniversary of the death of his daughter Renee, who passed away during birth.
In a compelling interview with the Guardian, Arter admits he has been through every emotion during the past 12 months but has finally reached a stage where having Renee on his mind now "fills him with happiness instead of depression".
“Every day I think of her,” Arter told the Guardian. “And it’s strange because there are days when I feel like a normal person, or how someone who hasn’t lost a baby would feel. But then it will just hit you, driving along and suddenly you see something that triggers your mind. It’s such a weird feeling and one that I don’t mind any more. Even when I’m sad I enjoy that feeling.”
Ireland midfielder Arter was due to travel to France as part of Martin O'Neill's Euro 2016 squad but pulled out after picking up a thigh injury during the pre-tournament training camp in Cork.
Looking back, Arter admits he was not in a good place during the final couple of months of the Premier League season and in the build up to the Euros.
“I wasn’t in a good place around that time. Physically I wasn’t great – I think stress takes a lot out of your body and I was always picking up little injuries – while mentally I was completely in the wrong place," added Arter.
"I was very angry towards people, which I now think was the sense of loss taking over. I was lashing out and the closest people were those at work. I never got angry with Rachel. I was probably storing up so much at home because I was looking after Rachel, that I didn’t grieve in my own way.
“I can reflect on this now because I feel like I’m in a much better head space than I was then, but at that time I honestly didn’t think anything was wrong with me. I just thought it was everyone else. All it took was one person to say something to me and I was ready to kill the world.
“I probably should have been a little bit more professional and decided I needed a little bit of time off to get my head straight. But I never asked for a day. I got upset, I did shed tears, but probably nowhere near as many as I should have and all of that came out in the wrong way some three or four months afterwards."
You can read the full interview here