Saturday 24 March 2018

Donal Lynch's top ten icons for gay men

1 Lukas Podolski (Germany): And God created Lukas. If it were up to us, the Euros would just be the German ace doing keepy-uppies for hours, naked. To quote Lady Gaga's Poker Face, we'd "let 'em hit us, raise its babies".

2 Karim Benzema (France): If this is Islamification of the West, then count us in. One part brooding Moor, one part cuddly puppy. The jersey swap will be epic.

3 Manuel Neuer (Germany)

Deutschland Uber Alles and this wholesome Bayern boy uber others. We want to tuck him in and read him a story. About a young man named Manuel who fell in consensual adult love with his Irish babysitter.

4 Nigel de Jong (Holland)

It's been said that a man can't be truly considered attractive unless his neck is wider than his head. The Dutch juggernaut comes close to fulfilling this magical equation and will therefore tide us over until the rugby season begins.

5 Darron Gibson (Ireland)

Where Lagan streams sings lullaby, there blows a lily fair. He might not have got his game for United but the Northerner is, to use the technical term, still a total ride. A far better reason to get behind the Irish team than mere patriotism.

6 Sokratis Papastathopoulos (Greece)

Who says the Greeks have nothing to export? This guy may have been sent off early on but he looks like he could have been carved out of solid marble.

7 Robin Van Persie (Holland)

The Dutch WAGs have it easy compared with those poor English girls who have to put up with potato-faced husbands for their millions. This man's girlfriend enjoys the company of one of best players in the world, and one of the hottest.

8 Iker Casillas (Spain)

A headline in the New York Times recently read: 'Spanish goalkeeper's girlfriend distracts British press.' Not nearly as distracted as we are by her man.

9 James McClean (Ireland)

Just to be clear, we are anti-bigotry, pro-hotness. And who couldn't love our own young James?

10 Alexandr Kerzhakov (Russia)

Is Russia in Europe? Who cares. Love sees no borders. And neither does lust.

Sunday Independent

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