Sunday 17 December 2017

A bluffer's guide to football

So you're dolled up to the nines, touch of green in your cute outfit, surrounded by hundreds of passionate screaming men riding the rollercoaster of emotions. And the last thing you want to look like is the clueless dolly bird who merely turned up for the craic.

There's nothing sexier than a girl knowing a thing or two about football so here's my bluffer's guide to the beautiful game.

Ah, ref!!

Can be shouted on multiple occasions during the game. Or basically any time the referee awards a free kick against the boys in green. Great when said in mid-conversation with a man. As he's trying to chat you up you turn, distracted, and belt your anger at the screen before turning back to your admirer and saying: "Sorry, do you mind if we continue this after the game?"

Come on, lads. We've gone quiet

To be shouted in exasperated tones when Ireland aren't putting in the effort. Say it in a frustrated "I could do a job in midfield for Trap" tone.

Get stuck in

A passionate call to arms that can be used as any Irish player chases after the ball.

Close him down!

Brilliant at making you appear like you have top class tactical knowledge and are totally au fait with Trap's dogged two banks of four defensive set-up. By now male admirers should be sitting, mouth open, in wonderment at your knowledge of the game and thinking you're the sexiest thing they've ever seen.

He's wide open, lads!

Cried out in frustration as one player is completely free of a marking opponent and a fellow player in a tight spot nearby fails to pick him out on the pitch and pass him the ball.

Avoid at all costs irritating football cliches such as "This game needs a goal," "There's no easy games at this level" and the all-time most loathsome saying, "It's a game of two halves".

Any of these and you'll be red carded. Don't cry if we lose (let him do that), just get the pints in.

Niamh Horan

Sunday Independent

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