Thursday 22 March 2018

'I can't help but laugh at how perfect I am' - The 20 most ridiculous ever Zlatan quotes

PSG's Zlatan Ibrahimovic
PSG's Zlatan Ibrahimovic

There really is nobody else like Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

The only thing that matches his footballing mastery is his extreme self-confidence. As PSG get ready to play Chelsea in the Champions League last 16 second leg tonight, we decided to bring you 20 of Zlatan's most Zlatan-esque quotes so you can have a full picture of exactly who you'll be watching later on.

1. Zlatan doesn't do auditions

Arsene Wenger wanted a young Zlatan to come for a trial at Arsenal before he signed him. That was the striker's response.

2. Absolutely not. I have ordered a plane. It is much faster.

Zlatan was displeased when asked about a rumour he had brought a Porsche.

3. I can't help but laugh at how perfect I am

No explanation needed really.

4. One thing is for sure, a World Cup without me is nothing to watch

Zlatan's Sweden were beaten by Portugal in the play-offs for the 2014 World Cup, a tournament that is clearly beneath us without the presence of true greatness.

5. What Carew does with a football, I can do with an orange

Zlatan pouts back after John Carew insolently suggested that some of his skills were 'pointless'.

6. Nothing. She already has Zlatan.

Zlatan ponders what the appropriate birthday gift is for the wife who has everything.

7. We're looking for an apartment. If we don't find anything I'll just buy the hotel.

Zlatan on his painful struggle to find a new house in Paris.

8. First I went left, he did too. Then I went right, he did too. Then I went left again, he went to buy a hotdog.

Zlatan chortles heartily at the inadequate defensive efforts of former Liverpool centre back Stephane Henchoz.

9. I don't give a sh*t who wins. I'm going on holiday.

Zlatan is untroubled after Sweden were eliminated from Euro 2012.

10. When you buy me, you are buying a Ferrari

Zlatan picks the only appropriate automotive comparison for himself.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic

11. An injured Zlatan is a pretty serious thing for any team

Zlatan on the absence of Zlatan, and the problems faced by a Zlatan-led team in times of Zlatanlessness.

12. Come over to my house baby and bring your sister. I'll show you who's gay.

Zlatan is capable of being a bit of an idiot when his sexuality is questioned.

13. I like fireworks too but I set them off in gardens or in kebab stands. I never set fire to my own house

Zlatan knows the appropriate ways to play with fire, unlike Mario Balotelli.

14. Zlatan Style!

Zlatan rules on whether his playing style is Swedish or Yugoslavian, due to the nationality of his parents. Zlatan is an independent nation state.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic

15. I can play in 11 positions because a good player can play anywhere

Zlatan plays where he likes. Even in goal. Where he is definitely better than everyone.

16. Once I got dressed in all black, Rambo-style, and took a massive pair of bolt cutters and nicked a military bike

Zlatan experienced a mildly mis-spent youth.

17. Reporter: Who will win the World Cup play-off?

Zlatan: Only God knows?

Reporter: It's kind of hard to ask him.

Zlatan: Why? You're looking at him right now.

Zlatan has a reasonably high opinion of himself.

18. I didn't injure you on purpose, you know that. If you accuse me again I will break both your legs and that will be on purpose.

Zlatan does not tolerate false and petty accusations from his then-club captain (Rafael van der Vaart) that he attempted to injure the winger in an international between Sweden and Holland

19. Onyewu resembled a heavyweight boxer. He was nearly 6ft 5in and weighed over 15 stone, but he couldn't handle me.

Zlatan will smite his enemies (despite breaking a rib during his confrontation with former team-mate Oguchi Onyewu).

20. If Rooney still wants to move next summer I would urge him to come and play with me in Paris. But he would have to get used to the fact that Zlatan scores even better goals than him.

Zlatan fears no-one. No matter how lustrous their rejuvenated hair.

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