Sunday 18 February 2018

'Paul's purple pants' can take bare look off Rebels' chests

Billy Keane

Billy Keane

We must help out our neighbours in this, their time of need. Love thy neighbour even if there are times when they doth smite you.

Even if your neighbour hath offended thee mightily, in word and deed, thou shalt turn the other cheek, like the man who hath the first buttock tattooed.

These troubled neighbours hath offended us many times and hath beaten the lard out of us too. But praise be, not as many times as we hath beaten the lard out of them.

There's even a specific neighbour commandment. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

In the course of our extensive trawl through the ancient biblical texts, we found an extended version of the neighbour commandment.

Part of it goes, and I paraphrase, 'thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house.'

Who in their right mind would want to covet a house falling down into the marsh of a field it's built upon, with seats as tiny as sextuplets' baby chairs and a claustrophobic tunnel no wider than a daffodil stem?

Who in their right mind would covet Pairc Ui Chaoimh, the house of the Cork GAA?

Pyrite stadia are more stable. But we in Kerry are good neighbours and deadly good Samaritans. Some of us even let our sisters marry Cork men. Indeed, it has been written that a Kerry person living in Cork is a missionary.


Cork are badly in need of help. The story broke on 'Black Friday', just as the daffodils were blooming for the first time ever in early January. Global warming in all its glories is here in Ireland at last. Happy days. But alas, not in the People's Republic of Cork.

The Cork GAA teams are without a sponsor. Their footballers play Cork IT in the McGrath Cup tomorrow and the Rebels must play in the old jerseys with the O2 logo emblazoned across their beating red chests.

It will be the first time a phone company receives free credit.

We have decided, in our infinite goodness, to make an extraordinarily generous and compassionate gesture, worthy of one of such a sensitive nature and instilled with a Christian ethos. I have offered the hand of friendship to the Cork County Board.

Our Kerry pub will sponsor Cork. 'John B's for Best Drinks and Two Ladies' Cubicles' could be their new chest banner.

The Cork County Board are notoriously conservative. It might well be my kindness could be seen as an attempt to promote the consumption of alcoholic beverages.

I was going to contact the Ann Summers shop in Cork as a fall-back plan but it seems the board are against sex.

Maybe they might relent, just for the IT game. Like they are stuck. We even have a catchy logo: 'Ann Summers January Sales'. And on the back – 'Fouling is the New Bondage.'

Word has it The English Market, just opposite Ann's shop in Cork city centre, offered to sponsor the team but the county board refused the traders because the Rebels could not possibly wear a jersey with the word 'English' embroidered on the front and also due to the fact the Queen visited the market in May 2012.


Threats by the GAA Republican lobby, who only ever go up north for the shopping when the euro is weak against sterling, may have influenced the board.

Indeed, sources close to the Queen suggest her majesty would be open to sponsoring Cork.

It seems in the spirit of peace and reconciliation she will allow the words 'Sorry about the Black and Tans' with a very small Union Jack to cover the Cork players' fronts.

Then out of the goodness of one man's big old heart came a Mandela-esque offer of hope, love and peace.

The All Star fashion guru cried when I told him of Cork's plight. "Playing in a jersey without a logo is like going to a rap club in tight jeans," he said.

Sometimes we get cynical in this game. Old hacks say there is no such thing as a good news story. Their defenders have made many attempts to take this man down but Paul Galvin has offered to sponsor the Cork team for 2013.

It is a humanitarian gesture of enormous significance. The ripple effect will be similar to the fall of the Berlin Wall. Glasgow Celtic might offer to help Rangers out of their current financial mess.

The new Rangers logo will be 'Come to Kilmichael and Soloheadbeg for the Gathering' with 'Gerry Adams for President' on the away strip.

Paul asked for ideas from his people. What to write on the Cork boys' chests?

Paul Galvin's new fashion range will be the official sponsor.

Eventually it was decided upon. 'Paul's Purple Pants' will appear on every Cork jersey this coming year.

Irish Independent

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