Tuesday 23 January 2018

From Genesis to Croke Park in the great book of GAA

Cork advanced to the final for the first time since 2011 with a comfortable victory at Fraher Field.
Cork advanced to the final for the first time since 2011 with a comfortable victory at Fraher Field.

The Fielder

The Old Testament according to The Fielder

In the beginning God created both the heavens and the earth.

The lotto money had finally come through and a decent turnout at the Strictly Come Dancing, coupled with two years' blotto takings, meant the funds were there (or thereabouts). The club's tired looking facilities needed some attention.

And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

Godfrey had been given the go-ahead to start the groundwork. The floodlights were top of the to-do list. The poor oul' Camógs had complained that it was like trying to swat flies in the dark. Unbeknownst to them, the chairman had ordered that the power be turned down while they were training. No use wasting expensive electricity, sure.

Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

There had been some debate whether draining the pitch was a good thing. Godfrey couldn't remember the last time she'd taken a mouldy. Instead of a motivational slogan over the dressing room door, theirs simply read "Don't hop the ball". This was to remind lads that if a bounce was attempted, the ball would stick to the moist sod like a Cavan man to his cousin. They maintained it was worth four points a game. But alas the powers that be had made the call. The Prunty boys were booked. The once sodden, spongy surface would soon be drier than a sober accountant.

And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his works, which God created and made.

By now Godfrey was bolloxed and looking forward to Sunday. The relaxing thought of a six-pack of Heineken, a recliner chair and the Allianz League final appealed hugely to him. Feck it, he might even give Mass a miss for once. An offer of some weekend work drawing bullocks with his uncle Noah was appealing but he'd heard the forecast was horrible. The tight bollox wouldn't invest in a bigger trailer either and could only take two at a time.

He'd also been asked to collect his cousins, Alan and Eva, from the airport. Alan was 15 and Eva 16; two spoilt little hoors. They lived in London, but returned home regularly. This time it was for Granny's anniversary Mass.

Then the lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man.

"Eva, what the fack you doin'?" Alan shouted in a thick London twang that alarmed many of the other punters. Godfrey looked up from his soup to see Eva's hand dipping into the contents of Alan's starter plate. She had only ordered a child's portion of spring rolls, polished it off and was now pillaging Alan's pork ribs while he'd gone for a splash.

Godfrey sighed and slurped on his soup.

The Lord descended to the top of Mount Sinai and called Moses to the top. So Moses went up.

The main course came and went. Godfrey rubbed his hands with glee as he spotted the waitress marching across the floor holding his dessert plate aloft like the blessed chalice.

As she neared, talk at the table turned to the first round of the provincial championship the following week. Godfrey had secured a handful of tickets and Alan and Eva were expressing their interest in attending. Suddenly Godfrey's phone started to knell.

'She won't forsake me . . . I'm lovin' angels instead'

Godfrey leapt up from his seat and answered. It was his best pal Mossy.

"Well buck," Mossy began, "Any sneer?"

"Not a bit lad, just out for dinner here with the family and my poisonous little cousins. Yourself?"

"Listen to this bud. Last night I went to mount Sinai . . ."

"You did not!" Godfrey replied, startled.

"Swear to jaysus!" Mossy added.

"What did she say?"

"Ah she was having none of it. Her brother chased me down the street then and the traffic was mental, I couldn't get across the road; thought I was done for!"

"What happened?"

"You won't believe it, didn't one of Cudden's cows come out of nowhere and brought traffic to a standstill. He must've left the gate ajar again! Here lad, I'll have to let you go, Sinai's ringing again – maybe she's changed her mind. Good luck good luck good luck."

So the lord God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken.

Godfrey chuckled and took his seat at the table.

Instantly his jaw hit the floor. Alan and Eva had munched their way through his apple tart in his absence.

"Well, fuck yas anyway!" he shouted.

"You know what? You can kiss your premium seats for Sunday goodbye now the pair of you."

They began to protest in vein.

"You can have the lower Davin tickets. Right in the corner. That'll teach you!"

At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness.

Some days later, Godfrey was sitting in the lounge, taking in an episode of Coronation Street after a tough training session.

"Good woman Tina. I'd take a black card for you any day of the week."

The echo of the front door slamming interrupted Godfrey's train of thought.

"Eh, excuse me young lady, where the hell do you think you're going in that get-up?" Godfrey headed out to investigate. His mother and Eva were having it out in the hallway.

Eva was heading out for the night with some old friends but seemed to have forgotten to put on a skirt.

You'd have seen less leg in a KFC family bucket. To add insult to injury, it looked like Stevie Wonder had applied her make-up.

"You're feckin' naked sure! No way you're going out like that, get up there and put a pair of jeans on!"

And she did.

This is the word of the Lord.

Thanks be to God that's over.

TheFielder2@twitter.com

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