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Billy Keane: Wouldn't it be gas if Darragh togged Kerry out in green and gold lingerie?

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Billy cartoon

Billy cartoon

Darragh Ó Sé is the new Kerry manager, for a day.

Darragh Ó Sé is the new Kerry manager, for a day.

SPORTSFILE

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Billy cartoon

Darragh Ó Sé is the new Kerry manager, for a day, while Eamonn Fitzmaurice is on holidays in South Africa. Be careful Eamonn, you'd never know when the West Clare Zulu Marty Morrissey might doorstep you with "are the Kerry supporters really animals?"

Be cute Eamonn."No, we're not" you'll say, "but Kerry have horses of men and lionesses of women."

Darragh now owns his own pub quiz question and it's not 'which crossroads has the most All-Ireland medals?' or 'name the street in Cork City called after the Ventry star?' They're mad about him in Cork.

The questions might be 'which Kerry manager was only in charge for two hours?' And 'when Did Kerry play Tralee?'

Darragh manages Kerry against IT Tralee (ITT) in the McGrath Cup tomorrow. Did you ever wonder why the Ministry didn't call the excellent and ever-expanding third-level college Tralee IT?

I would be surprised if there were more than a few hundred at the game.

The biggest GAA game of the weekend is the 2014 North Kerry Championship final. North Kerry have excelled this year, yet again, in somehow managing to drag their competition out over two seasons. Player welfare indeed. The 2014 North Kerry U-21 Championship is still to be played.

Joe Brolly described GAA players as indentured slaves. He deliberately exaggerated for the sake of getting his message across, but we all know what he meant and we all know he was right.

The Listowel Emmets players have had to postpone holiday plans and Christmas. Our players played on the Sunday before St Stephen's Day, St Stephen's Day, the Saturday after New Year's Eve and now again today.

SACRIFICE

Christmas is a special time for families. Pretty obvious that. Jose Mourinho and Louis van Gaal bemoaned the fact that their players have had to sacrifice so much over the holiday period. But the soccer stars are on a hundred grand a week.

The weather was so bad for our first semi that Tom Crean refused to tog out. One of our players was seriously injured when he couldn't pull up in time on the slippery pitch.

Beale play us today in the final. Their lads trained hard over Christmas. So did we. The GAA is more than the inter-county players. The club players have no say.

We have three lads who will be pushing hard for the Kerry squad this year. They will be on the go all year round. Indeed two of our boys, Conor Cox and Jack McGuire, have a game for my old club UCC against Limerick tomorrow.

UCC have been very good to us and have allowed the lads, who are on scholarship, to play today. Thank you so much Billy Morgan and Dr Con Murphy. Great Cork men and true sportsmen.

Good luck to the Emmets. I'm not going to write about the game until after it's all over. We don't want our words plastered on the wall of the Beale dressing-rooms in Ballylongford, and anyway I'm sick with excitement.

We played Beale in the first round of the championship back around 1980 and got an awful hammering. Dods Liston hit me a fair shoulder that nearly done for me. His late dad Eoin was in the stands and roared out, "Don't kill little Keane." Pronounced Kane. The score at the time was Beale 4-13 Emmets 0-3.

Dods retired from teaching this Christmas and we had his party in our pub. Dods was a wonderful and kind teacher. He was so generous with his time after school and the centre-back is a genius with his hands. He could make a football out of old shoes, but man was he destructive with those shoulders.

Dods is a faster banjo player than he was a footballer. As the former Inniskeen netminder Patrick Kavanagh wrote, "he can make it talk". Here's hoping the banjo will be talking lonesome songs tonight.

But back to the game in Tralee. The most of Kerry GAA hierarchy are on holidays so wouldn't it be gas if Darragh went a bit mad and made the players take off all their clothes? Or better again, he could tog the lads out in men's or even women's green and gold lingerie.

There's this women's league they show on late-night TV and it's called The Lingerie League or something like that. The girls play in underwear, as you might have guessed. Lingerie is French for underwear. Our team is called San Diego Seduction and the girls are very fit. By the way, I was only watching for work.

It's only matter of time before Sepp Blatter, who called for women footballers to wear sexier outfits, proposes a nude World Cup.

Sepp isn't exactly a feminist but it looks like he's going to become the boss of world soccer for a few more years anyway.

Mad or what? I wouldn't put Sepp in charge of washing the kit in the Lingerie League, although there isn't much washing in a thong or is it thongs? Is the plural the same as the singular?

You're probably wondering where all this knickers talk is coming from. Well, this is possibly the slowest weekend of the year in sport. . .

So that's why Darragh is whipping the Kerry team like Joe Brolly's slaves. And they're all wearing lingerie. Not that any Kerry player would do such a thing in real life.

Sure back in the old days we only ever wore underpants going to Dublin, in case we were knocked down by a car, what with not being used to the traffic and all that.

You might notice there's a lad playing a banjo in green and red double-gusset passion-killers, elasticated below the knees. That's Dods in his Beale outfit.

I never did get him back for that killer shoulder in 1980.

Irish Independent