Sport Gaelic Football

Tuesday 20 February 2018

Chumps, not chimps, give champs raw deal

Eamonn Sweeney

I suppose this isn't very PC of me but I like to do a bit of animal experimentation in my spare time. In recent years, I've been dosing chimpanzees with huge quantities of hallucinogenic drugs and letting them loose in the community to observe the effects.

The first chimp went into politics. He thought up NAMA and the bank guarantee. The second chimp got a job in RTE. He commissioned Michael McDowell to do a documentary on Michael Collins. Chimp number three went into sports journalism. He selected this year's All Stars football team and went haywire altogether.

Bonzo selected Graham Canty, who hardly kicked a ball all year, ahead of Down's Kevin McKernan, outstanding in the All-Ireland semi-final and final. He insulted Cork by giving them a measly four All Stars, though they're just the sixth team in the last 20 years to win the league and championship double. He omitted Noel O'Leary, Daniel Goulding and Donncha O'Connor, the three best players in the All-Ireland final, and consistently good throughout the championship.

At least I think he did. Because I was just about to strap the electrodes on to him and give him a few thousand volts when Bonzo claimed that wasn't his All Stars team at all. "A bunch of humans were responsible for it," he said, "I might be a chimpanzee on hallucinogenic drugs but I'm not completely daft."

I don't know, readers. Do you believe him? It sounds a bit far-fetched to me.

Sunday Independent

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