Comment: Special One's special formula means it's time to blow whistle on pundits
This is the age of conspiracy and the time of intrigue. We live in the reign of dastardly deeds. Jose Mourinho is the victim of a fiendish and cunning media plot and only I know the how and the why.
The Russians are being accused of influencing the American election. There isn't a day when some brazen Brexiteer doesn't come up with a fiendish ruse to build a wall around the North - just like 15 behind the ball. Some say the Brexiteers got the idea from the northern football coaches.
The worst Irish plot of all though has been leaked to us by sources close to senior figures in Dublin GAA. Word has reached us of a cunning Tyrone conspiracy to narrow Croke Park to the width one of those narrow country roads where the overhanging blackberry brambles splat and scratch the side of every car.
It seems thousands of Tyrone fans have been dancing up and down the sidelines of Croke Park wearing hobnail boots while the Pope's concert was in progress The plan is to plough up the perimeters of our national stadium. The GAA will be forced to move in the white lines to near halfway. Stephen Cluxton's claustrophobic kick-outs will go astray and Tyrone will win the All-Ireland.
The Pope gets blamed for everything. Tyrone will blame the Pope for the narrowing of the field. The Papish Plot has nothing to do with Sky who were accused of turning Healy Park in to a Subbuteo pitch.
You couldn't be up to Tyrone. The poor Dubs will be caught out and this could well be the most bitter boundary dispute since North and South Korea split on the 38th parallel.
There are good people too and some plans do only good. Emma Lacey played full-back with Moyle Rovers and she had surgery last Friday for a serious brain condition which has affected every part of her life.
Emma, who was a gifted all round sportswoman, was forced to give up playing and college. She is only 22 and has had to endure terrible pain.
The Moyle Rovers lads on the county panel gave up their All-Ireland football tickets to help fund Emma. We will keep you up to date on Emma's progress. And we think we have troubles. The link is http://www.klubfunder.com/Clubs/Moyle_Rovers_GFC/Events/
We did promise you the inside story on the international media plot to topple Jose Mourinho. First of all, though, I have to declare an interest.
I have supported Manchester United ever since I was a small boy. I know I am one of the media and so it is then that after careful consideration I have decided to become a whistle blower. This column is a protected disclosure.
I will never be allowed in the press box again and I could be responsible for the loss of thousands of jobs. The age of wanton waffle is done in for good. Succinct is our new brief.
The likes of Brolly, Spillane and O'Rourke could be made redundant as a result of my disclosure. Sky soccer punditry will last no longer than a bubble on a toper's pint. Dunphy's Blog will be reduced to a sound bite of just two sentences.
Jose has cracked the code and the media are out to get him and get him bad. How can any pundit justify a prediction that if Spurs beat United tonight then Jose will be sacked?
Hello! By night time only three games will have been played in the new Premier League season. United might be six points behind but with plenty of time to catch up. United are still in the Champions League and Jose has brought a club living on past glories up to finish second in the table.
Here is why my colleagues are out to get Jose. Jose was asked about his team's chances in tonight's game at a tetchy press conference, just a few days ago. The Special One's reply was: "If we play good, we win. If we play bad, we lose."
There is no more to be said. That's all the analysis we need. The emperors have no clothes. This whole sports section can be reduced to the bare two lines. Ye can pick up your P45s on the way out.