| 10.1°C Dublin

Close

Premium


Unless injecting Dettol into a vein turns out to be a cure, Mayo will not lose an All-Ireland this year

Joe Brolly


Close

'Donald Trump - who makes the kids on Children Say The Funniest Things sound like Stephen Hawking - announced last week that he had two "tremendous ideas" for coronavirus cures.' Photo: MANDEL NGAN/AFP via Getty Images

'Donald Trump - who makes the kids on Children Say The Funniest Things sound like Stephen Hawking - announced last week that he had two "tremendous ideas" for coronavirus cures.' Photo: MANDEL NGAN/AFP via Getty Images

AFP via Getty Images

'Donald Trump - who makes the kids on Children Say The Funniest Things sound like Stephen Hawking - announced last week that he had two "tremendous ideas" for coronavirus cures.' Photo: MANDEL NGAN/AFP via Getty Images

A beautiful, full-figured sex worker puts her head in the driver's window and says to him, "I can do anything you want honey." He says "any chance of a hair cut?"

Six weeks ago, no one would have understood the joke. Shortly before he died, the great Bob Monkhouse delivered the greatest one-liner ever told. He said (with a stern expression), "They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian . . . well they're not laughing now." Nobody is laughing now, except Jeff Bezos. The rest of us are going to have to buckle up and bare it.

The Germans, who haven't put a foot wrong since the Second World War, had to grit their teeth on Monday and cancel their beloved Oktoberfest. The Bavarian government concluded "there is no realistic possibility that we will have a vaccine in time and without a vaccine, allowing large crowds to gather together is impossible." The Germans have been ahead of this throughout, and have a death-rate which is more than 50 per cent less than Ireland (north and south) and almost five times lower than the UK.