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Straight Talking Turkish delights turn sour with no refunds for buff bods and hairy heads

Simon Bourke


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Turkish clinics offer hair-restoration procedures at budget prices.

Turkish clinics offer hair-restoration procedures at budget prices.

Turkish clinics offer hair-restoration procedures at budget prices.

Every group of lads had one, that poor misfortunate fecker whose genes betrayed him as soon as he reached puberty, whose body hair grew at an inverse proportion to the stuff on his head. By the time he did his Junior Cert he was thinning on top but battling gamely on, refusing to accept defeat, whoring it out for as long as he could, ignoring the mockery, the derision, telling anyone who’d listen that he just had “fine hair”, a sort of silken gossamer, like something you’d see in nature.

He was like the 1970s Bobby Charlton at his graduation, the last few strands fastened into position for the all-important photos, flying loose and wild by the end of the night. Until finally, eventually, after exhausting every possible option, after going short, long, left, right and down the middle, he turned up one day with the full dome, with the head he had been destined to inherit ever since his father clapped eyes on his mother and said “she’ll do for me”.


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