Sunday 22 September 2019

My encounter with a huge spider almost put me into a meltdown

Justine O'Mahony

I can tell you one thing, there won't be a window opened in my house between now and next summer after the fright I got this week. No, I didn't have an intruder, well not of the two legged variety anyway. What I did have in my bedroom was the biggest feckin spider you have ever seen in your life.

I only went in for a hairbrush and as I reached for it, I saw, out of the corner of my eye, something black and hairy scampering up the curtain. I looked again and there, right in front of me, brazen as you like was, what I can only describe as a beast of a spider.

Naturally I screamed. No one paid the slightest attention probably because I am prone to a bit of screaming over things that don't really require that reaction. But this did. Eventually after maybe a full 30 seconds of screaming one child came out of her bedroom and Himself shouted down, 'what's wrong with you?'

'JUST GET DOWN HERE NOW!' I roared. Now this is the bit that drives me mental. He saunters down the hallway eating an icecream, sighing. I could have been pinned against the wall by some maniac and yet the sense of urgency was non existent.

'What's wrong now?' he asks disinterestedly, continuing to demolish his mint magnum. I pushed him into the bedroom and screamed - 'Look!' It took him a few seconds to spot it but when he did I was satisfied with the response.

'Holy S***!' he says taking out his phone to take pictures of it. I grabbed the phone off him. 'Never mind taking photos, just kill it!' I shriek. Himself and The Child look at me horrified. Not quite as horrified as I feel by the presence of the big hairy imposter on my curtain, but horrified nonetheless.

'We can't kill it,' he says. 'Yes you can, go on,' I say pushing him towards our unwelcome visitor. 'Just kill him with a book...not one of my ones though.'

'Mum you aren't allowed kill spiders. You're not supposed to kill any creatures, they're all here for a reason. It's like the bees. We have to save the bees too.' What kind of school am I sending her to? 'Why do we need to save the bees?' I ask, momentarily sidetracked. 'Because they pollinate all the fruit and veg,' The Child replies patiently. 'You don't eat fruit and veg,' I point out.

Long story short, they wouldn't kill the spider for me and made me feel like crap for wanting to. Instead a pint glass was obtained and the aforementioned spider was coaxed in. He nearly didn't fit and that's no word of a lie.

Himself deposited it outside in the garden to roam free. As sure as eggs are eggs that fecker will find his way back in again. The spider, not Himself. Next time I will be ready for him with the biggest book I can find. He won't know what hit him....Literally!

New Ross Standard