The X Factor files

Katie Byrne

1 Forget the singing, Tulisa and Kelly looked like they were involved in a war of the cleavages last night. And it was only the second live show . . .

2 Frankie's survival song sounded more like the drunken karaoke of a lovelorn man. The emperor is wearing too-tight leggings and an ill-fitting tux jacket . . .

3 Is Craig an actual person or a Little Britain comedy creation? His hyper-animated gesticulations make him look like a parody of himself.

4 The 'Olders' are a mouthy bunch. But while their tongues are constantly wagging, their foreheads stay strangely motionless. Johnny said he'd get Botox if he went further than the auditions. Did he stay true to his word?

5 Part of The Risk's USP is their sway with the ladies, so kudos to them for choosing Girl You're Amazing. A canny example of psychological subterfuge.

6 One would have expected last night's guest artist, attention-seeker Katy Perry, to arrive on stage in a toadstool. It was even more shocking. She came on stage carrying a guitar and proceeded to sing a dreary ballad.

7 Kelly hit the roof when Louis said that Frankie had lost his swagger. "Do you know what that means? Doncha ever say swagger again," she fumed, giving the impression that Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks turned in their graves when poor Louis delivered the S-bomb.

8 Gary Barlow was genuinely disturbed by Johnny's Geisha-inspired Kylie Minogue sing-a-long. "I'm actually just sad because I don't want to laugh at you," he regretted, before bursting into peals of laughter 10 seconds later.

9 In two years' time we'll probably have to watch 10 minutes of commercials to watch five minutes of X Factor programming. According to our projections, anyway.

10 Janet lost her grandfather in the past week but the youngster still managed to get through the live show without bursting into tears. Unlike Tulisa.