The jokes are on you, Michael

Chris Wasser

A Beginner's Guide to Michael McIntyre. Or, Everything You Need to Know about This Generation's Ronnie Corbett.

1. McIntyre has great hair. It is, without a doubt, his finest attribute. People come from all over the world to touch it. Sometimes, they bring home-made signs requesting a private moment with the chap's luxurious locks.

2. The superstar funnyman stays in lots of hotels. We know this because he has plenty of stories about mini kettles, free biscuits, keys that don't work and flirty receptionists.

3. None of these stories are actually funny.

4. The sharply dressed Londoner likes to joke about his wife and kids. His wife putting on tights. His kids not doing what they're told. His wife getting a spray tan. His wife falling into a dishwasher. His wife nearly killing him for not filling said dishwasher or putting the milk back where it belongs -- the list goes on.

5. John Bishop tells better stories about his wife and kids.

6. McIntyre met Queen Elizabeth II. We also know this because he has a skit about how he might have called her 'Jam' instead of 'Ma'am'. And if that isn't enough to raise a smile, wait until you hear about the time he crossed paths with Andy Murray. It involves the latter's girlfriend. And the tennis-themed punchline is a killer.

7. I'm being sarcastic.

8. Michael McIntyre is popular. So much so that tickets for his four-day stint at the O2 went on sale 18 months ago. People have died since then, he chuckles. Still, there is no scientific explanation for why a comedian who jokes about Where's Wally? books and ordering things online should ever be this popular in 2012. I guess some folks love their comedy the way Louis Walsh loves his pop music: safe and outdated.

9. McIntyre recently went to the dentist. It's his only decent story, too. Unfortunately, it's so utterly ridiculous that it couldn't possibly be true.

10. Sometimes, people at comedy gigs sneeze. When they do, it should not be the funniest moment of the night. Alas, the poor woman behind me nearly exploded, McIntyre heard and the whole place had a great laugh.

Overview: Tremendous hair, terrible jokes. HHIII