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Curveball with Frank Roche: Become a hurling ref, conquer FIFA and see Galaxy ...


Fifa president Sepp Blatter announced Qatar would host the 2022  World Cup back in 2010 (AP)

Fifa president Sepp Blatter announced Qatar would host the 2022 World Cup back in 2010 (AP)

Fifa president Sepp Blatter announced Qatar would host the 2022 World Cup back in 2010 (AP)

THE first full working week of January. Cold turkey. Too much turkey. Too much Wild Turkey, or whatever your potion of choice. Time to rugby-tackle your demons and embrace a brave new world of sobriety, six-packs (non-drinking variety) and six-a-sides.

Until mid-January at least.

On second thoughts, try our alternative list of New Year Resolutions. The world is your oyster, the list of possibilities endless. Even the following once-elusive goals are within reach ...

RESOLUTION 1: Launch your campaign to become president of FIFA, but only after changing your name by deed poll. You need a headline-grabbing moniker to unseat someone called Septuagenarian Blather. Sadly, two exotic options - Champagne and Prince Ali - are already off-limits. King Nidge, anyone?

RESOLUTION 2: Just to cover all bases, put your mortgage on the re-election of Blather (Editor: You sure it's with a 'h'?).

On the off-chance that old Sepp has lost his, eh, Midas touch, you'll somehow find a way to recoup your losses. Three days at FIFA HQ should suffice.

RESOLUTION 3: See the world. If you don't make it to Zurich, try the O'Byrne Cup. How about Kinnegad? Forget all those pre-motorway logjam nightmares and prepare for life in the fast lane, even of a blustery Wednesday evening. Failing that, Haggardstown is far more presentable that it sounds.

RESOLUTION 4: Become an inter-county hurling referee. This job is about to become far less pressurised. Pretty soon you won't have to fret through the night about the doomsday prospect of ... wait for it ... reducing a team to 14 MEN!

Even if the very occasional corner-back gets a little bit unruly, you can just send him to the bold corner and tell his friend to join the party instead.

RESOLUTION 5: Why stop there? Submit a motion to Congress calling for the abolition of all yellow cards and red cards. Furthermore, whistles are only to be used in the event of a beheading. (Editor: Sadly, your application to become a hurling referee has just been refused on the grounds that your rampant cynicism would surely corrupt the sport).

RESOLUTION 6: Set yourself an ambitious target to interview all 30 members of the Wexford senior football panel this year, each one-on-one exclusive taking place in the sanctuary of the Wexford Park dressing-room, unknown to any member of management. Ideally these no-holds-barred chats should take place either minutes before throw-in, at half-time (in the age of Twitter, 'live' updates are essential) and just before the full-time debrief. One stipulation: under no circumstances can any interviews happen on a Tuesday.

RESOLUTION 7: Don't accept your humdrum existence any longer. Stretch the boundaries of your career potential. You could climb Everest. Fly to the moon. Or send your CV to Oldham FC, offering to become their PR consultant and smooth over any negative public backlash concerning four words: Ched Evans, convicted rapist.

RESOLUTION 8: Your current employers are stuck in a morass of mediocrity and won't even offer you, their perennial saviour, a new contract. Don't worry. Go for lucrative early retirement. Otherwise known as LA Galaxy.

RESOLUTION 9: Promise, under pain of death, to avoid any more clichéd ten-step columns.