WELCOME, one and all, to the Jeremy Kyle Show!
The studio where no relationship saga is too sordid, no twisted family tree too perverse to keep in the closet. If you've got a problem - confused about the identity of your dad, mother or pit bull - then give us a call and we'll tell the world!
GUEST NO 1 (Jack, not his real name): "Hi Jeremy, I'm in a muddle. Talk about an identity crisis … I'm from Dublin, at least I know that much, but I haven't the foggiest who we are going to hammer next in the quarter-finals. I saw it written on some website that it's definitely the winners of Cork and Kildare. Is that so?"
JEREMY: "Security! Throw out that pest! We want sexy, not championship structures! Is he trying to destroy our ratings."
JACK: "Help, I'm desperate!"
JEREMY: "A bit like the rest of Leinster. Okay, just to keep you quiet … it's probable but not guaranteed that you'll play the winners of Cork and Kildare. There is one exception: if Fermanagh beat Westmeath and Kildare beat Cork, then the Dubs will play Fermanagh. Don't even ask me why."
JACK: "Why not?"
JEREMY: "Because this always happens in the GAA. They tinker with one rule in winter and no one has a clue what's happening come summer. These twin-track qualifiers have even left some Official Guide pedants tearing out their crown toppers. Now pee off; next guest …"
JACKIE (not her real name): "Hello Jeremy, I'm a Dublin camogie star frantically seeking a two-headed coin … I might need one soon."
JEREMY: "Come again? Did you say two-headed monster of a husband?"
JACKIE: "No I said coin - the one we'll need if Clare beat Derry this weekend, and they finish level on points with us, and since we've already drawn with each other, the only way to separate us and decide who qualifies for an All-Ireland quarter-final is …"
JEREMY: "Scoring difference, I presume?"
JACKIE: "No, the drawing of lots."
JEREMY: "This is too perverse even for me. I can't help you; next guest."
JERSEY BOY: "Hi, hope you like the Sky Blue gear - swapped it after our Leinster semi-final against the Dubs. It's not often, as a young Westmeath hurler, that you get to mingle with the big boys in Croker ... we're usually stuck in Ballygobackwards playing in some 'B' championship against the Rest of England or the Best of Ulster or whatever. But there's the thing - now they won't let us play in the 'B' and I miss it."
JEREMY: "Surely your manager can sort it? A quick chat with the board and Bob's your uncle."
JERSEY BOY: "Bob is not his real name. My uncle is called Muriel.
"And our manager can't sort it out because the county board won't tell him anything.
"As he says himself, they may have to revise their communication strategy because he's not yet equipped for telepathy/mind-reading!"
JEREMY: "Mind-reading. Lovely jubbly! Now that's more up my street."