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Why it's going to be tiaras and tantrums in a newsroom near you soon

Tiaras and tantrums are coming to a TV newsroom near you soon. The advent of 3D TV is alarming television presenters, innately prone to insecurities.

Wayne Rooney's goal might have looked three times as skilled but what about presenters' imperfections accentuated in this unforgiving dimension? Spots and open pores in 3D as well as high-def will make for Elton John- and Mariah Carey style strops.

A few missed whiskers after an all-too-quick shave in the morning will make your news anchor look like a vagrant who wandered into a news studio. A little heavy on the eyeshadow and some TV3 presenters will look like they could moonlight as extras in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. (The motto in the make-up room here is 'More is more is more').

It is scientifically proven that TV as it is -- in 2D -- makes men appear hunkier and women chunkier. Research from the University of Liverpool found TV cameras make people look about nine pounds heavier.

With women, their waist-to-hip ratio was accentuated the most. But the necks of both sexes appeared thicker in the 2D images. This effect gave the men a stronger, hunkier jawline but made women look stout.

Presenter Lorraine Kelly once admitted: "Television makes you look a stone heavier. I have been dieting since I was 16."

And veteran British chat-show host Michael Parkinson said on his radio show: "On TV I chunk up like John Wayne, but in real life I look more like Calista Flockhart."

Great. Stick a camera in front of a reasonably slim female presenter and she looks like she should be playing front row in the Six Nations. It's not widescreen -- it's me. But 3D images promise to make everyone appear about 5pc slimmer.

But if 3D exaggerates characteristics, what will our favourite shows and presenters look like in 3D? Will Charlie Bird shout even louder and start speaking in the fourth person about himself?

Will Shane Lynch on the All Ireland Talent Show look even hotter? He is already, as a pal pointed out, 'pretty fly for a white guy'. What about the glint in Anne Doyle's eye on the nine o'clock news? Will it morph into a full on wink that says 'let's get to know each other a bit better?'

Will Mark Cagney go back to his Cork roots and start calling Alan Hughes 'a langer?' Will Alan go Dub and start calling Mark 'his bud'? Will Miriam be brainier and Eddie Hobbs tighter?

The Cosmetics Show on TV3 could hardly be any more shocking. But what about Glee? (No, not a series about George Lee but the hottest comedy to come out of the US since Friends). Glee in 3D will be like a 12-inch remix -- camper and even more politically incorrect ...

Dishing the dirt in another cleaning row

It's one of the top three reasons couples fight -- cleaning and housework, or rather, why he doesn't do enough.

My pal says she's thinking of making a cassette of all the rows her and her beloved have. (She still lives in 'mixed tapes' universe and is the proud non- owner of an iPod). The recording would just save her the trouble of repeating herself.

From her to him -- "Seeing your underwear sunny side up on the floor is not the ideal way to start my day", "Do we really need a set of drums when you're not Larry Mullen?" and "It's a hoover. Say hello."

The rows almost never vary. I've had to talk her down a few times from throwing in the towel. "It's like Kramer versus Kramer," she says.

"The secret is to fight right," claims another pal. "Telling him he's lazy and selfish is like bare-knuckle boxing -- it's crude and someone gets hurt.

"Tell him 'the couple that sweeps together, sleeps together' is the smart girl's way of getting him to empty the dishwasher."

But sex is the second most common reason that couples fight.

So scratch that advice and hire a cleaner. Damn it, money is the most common reason couples fall out.

Relationships? They should just be phased out ...

I've just tried on my very first -- and last -- pair of jeggings

A RECENT decision to put my hand in the fashion fire meant I got cremated.

I tried on a pair of jeggings -- last year's cross between jeans and leggings.

Dangerous territory for a gal with short legs.

"Not a good look on you," confided a pal. "You're now sporting bleggings -- where your backside runs into you legs without any obvious definition. Pancake backside, so to speak."

Super.

Bleggings may be black leather leggings if you're a Hollywood A-lister.

On a mid-30s, Irish, five foot three-er, they're a sign parts of you that you can't even see have given up the fight with gravity.


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