So I went to see Fifty Shades of Grey. It is, without doubt, the funniest movie I have seen in a long time. Totes hilarious as they say.
I spent the whole two hours with my jumper stuffed into my mouth, trying not to choke on the laughter.
As I walked into the cinema with my sister, I looked at her and said: "I am morto going to a film like this with you." She said she was morto too.
There was no need to worry. We sat through the first five minutes and then the uncontrollable giggling began. It was when Jamie Dornan said something along the lines of: "If you were with me you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week."
Ah heyor! If there was anything to turn you off a fella, it's him telling you that you'd be in agony if you were with him. It's like something you'd hear from a drunk eejit in Coppers.
As the movie progressed, we settled into bad acting, bad directing and bad script.
One of the biggest surprises was the noises we heard from the cinema audience. One would not be surprised if there had been a few sighs and the odd little moan. But no. Anytime Christian, the lead bottom spanker, bought Anastacia, the lead spankee, a present, half the auditorium would go "Awwwwwwwwww".
He bought her a car: they went "Awwwwwww". He bought her a laptop: they went "Awwwwwwwwww". It was as if the women in the audience could not believe just how generous Mr Spanker could be. For every whip mark, there was a pressie. Weird how all the women loved this notion.
My sister is straight and I am gay. But we both equally felt that this was the unsexiest, dullest, most ridiculous movie we had ever seen.
We did agree, however, that it was one of the funniest.