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Something fishy about Go od Friday meat rules

For many, today will mark a welcome return to meat following yesterday's abstinence.

Even those Catholics who are Catholic-Lite still get a pang of guilt and fear if approached with a roast beef sandwich or a chunk of ham on Good Friday, instinctively skirting around all things hot-blooded on that holy day.

The question is, why? The Bible is very clear on what people should or shouldn't eat. Well, maybe not clear, but definitely detailed. Animals that only chew the cud, or only have a divided hoof – they're right out. So rabbits and pigs must be shunned, whereas cows can be gnawed on at will.

Camels are a no-no too, but most Irish butchers struggle to get camel at short-notice anyway.

Fish are okay, as long as they have fins or scales. But if they have shells and legs, you gotta avoid 'em, so knock scampi on the head.

In the absence of scampi, you can gorge on locusts (yep, the Bible specifically says you can chomp locusts as much as you like) and grasshoppers and crickets, but you have to avoid all other flying insects that walk "on four legs" (this proves that counting legs was not a skill possessed of those who wrote Leviticus).

This is clearly bananas – which you can eat. But all religions have crazy rules about everything from hats to shaving to food to footwear. However, nowhere can I find anything in the Bible that specifies you've got to stay away from carvery-style grub on Good Friday.

So next year, go at it. But don't touch the camel.

CONVICTIONS ARE LONG OVERDUE

The conviction of William McAteer and Pat Whelan is unlikely to be greeted with sympathy – such is the pall that hangs around Anglo that anyone associated with it (particularly someone now with a criminal conviction) is immediately in the public's bad books.

It might be argued that their actions could be viewed through a lens of historical context – they were desperately trying to save a bank (and by coincidence) the banking system – from collapse. Still illegal, still wrong, though.

Regardless of the sentence they receive, their convictions send a message to Irish managers and directors – people can be convicted for white-collar crime. That message is long overdue.

Those who benefit from education, opportunity and wealth have the same obligation to be ethical and legal as those who are without such privileges – €1,000 stolen from a post office and €1,000 from an insider trade or from false accounting are the same thing and should receive the same punishment.

AAW, KATE DIDN'T GET IN A FLAP

Kate Middleton has been on a royal visit for several days now and so far her skirt hasn't gone over her head.

This is totally out of character for her and has come as a major disappointment for those coming out to see the couple, as there is now an international assumption that no royal visit is complete without her doing a Marilyn Monroe.

It has become so popular that the Queen reportedly considered having fans installed in Windsor for Michael D's visit so that Her Maj's gown could be shot into the air to mark the end of the president's speech. She was only talked out of it at the last minute.

The president was said to be disappointed.

STOP THE SELFIE AND WIN VOTES

There's an election on. That means politicians are open to being influenced. They are way more likely to listen to us at this moment than at any other time. Even if our suggestions are daft.

So here's an idea – if a canvasser comes to your door, promise them your vote if their party attempts to pass legislation banning the selfie.

It may not work. But imagine if it did. We'd be rid of that crappy trend for ever. #ohgodpleasestop.


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