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some things are best kept to ourselves

Patsy can't talk about anything but her forthcoming nuptials. The rest of us are dizzy with details about menus, music and whether she should choose a cheeky little shiraz for the reception or opt for a gamey merlot.

"Aren't those rebels in Libya great fellas altogether," said Josie, trying to change the conversation but she might as well have been talking to the wall. "I'm not sure whether to choose mushroom soup for starters or go mad altogether and try the butternut squash." The rest of us yawned but Patsy doesn't take hints easily.

"And you've no idea just how gorgeous Jose looked when he tried on his morning suit," she sighed.

"M-O-U-R-N-I-N-G suit more like," Maggie said.



retort

Patsy gave her the middle finger before retorting, "Jose and I are in love forever and when you lot have hung up your conjugal boots we'll still be at it like rabbits for the next 20 years -- at least."

"Knock yourself out," said Josie.

She probably will -- on the headboard.

"Well, if Jane Fonda can do it, then so can I," she sniffed.

It's true. Jane Fonda, who is now 73, is in the news about how great her sex life is. Actually, she's always in the news these days because she can't seem to shut up talking about how flexible her body is and all the things it can do. I get tired just looking at her.

She recently admitted that she's getting help in the bedroom area by taking testosterone to boost her love life. Apparently, it can give women over 50 the libido of those half their age.

"Where can I get my hands on it?" demanded Patsy with a mad look in her eye.

I could imagine the headlines: 'Newlywed Man Copulated to Death by Testosterone-Fuelled Wife'.

"There are downsides," I advised.

"Go on," she said.

"Like acne, greasy hair and skin and the Royal College of Obstructions and Gynaecologists advise that the consequences of using it long term are unknown."

Patsy said she could live with that if it was all in a good cause.

"There's more," I added. "Taking testosterone can deepen your voice and promote hair growth. So not only will you be at it like a rabbit, but you'll also be talking like Morgan Freeman and shaving your chest every day."

"I suppose I'll just have to stick to basting him with the olive oil," she sighed.

We pretended we hadn't heard that.


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