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Savage i: If the queen pays for her trip, she might just enjoy it Violence and kissing at Apprentice launch One court case I'd love to sit in on

Joe Higgins has suggested that Queen Elizabeth should pay for her own lodgings when she comes on her State visit.

This is not a bad idea. Let's not kid ourselves; Queen Elizabeth wants to see the National Stud the same way most of us want to undergo extensive dental treatment.

Likewise, she has almost certainly never said 'oooh, One would love to wander around a football stadium in Ireland. It would tickle One pink'.

She ain't going on her holliers, this is long, boring work for her.

So here's what we do; offer her room and board in Farmleigh, get her sloshed at a formal do and then let her off to do her own thing.

We'll still get press coverage 'cos she's here, she'll pay her own way, and we can tell the gardai to stop cavity-searching everyone in Kildare in preparation for her arrival.

While we're at it, Obama does not want to go to Moneygall.

He will make a nice speech about ancestral homes and all that guff, but he has zero interest.

So instead of boring the elbows off the poor guy, why don't we let him have fun and tap into the dancing ability he showed on the Ellen Degeneres show?

Find a session in a small pub, dump him in there with a camera crew and his wife and let the secret service seal off the area.

The craic would be ninety, the footage would be brilliant and he'd be able to talk about actually enjoying his time here instead of faking it.

McCarthy missed a top money-spinner

The economist Colm McCarthy has just finished a review of all the State assets we can flog.

His report is detailed, well-researched, and -- at first glance -- comprehensive. But it features one glaring omission; naming rights.

If Aviva is willing to spend a small fortune to get its name on Lansdowne Road, think how much we could make by renaming stuff.

Newgrange, for instance, could be renamed the Coca-Cola Tomb; the Book of Kells would be an easy swap for the Facebook of Kells, the Dingle peninsula would barely change to become the Pringle peninsula and it'd be a doddle to create a new county called Perrier Water-ford.

Violence and kissing at Apprentice launch

The Apprentice is kicking off again. This is not a big deal for most people. It is for me. Because hosting The Apprentice: You're Fired helps pay my mortgage.

But I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth the hardship of the press launch.

At the launch during the week, Bill Cullen greeted me by punching me in both shoulders (for a man of his years, he's got a hell of a jab), Jackie Lavin slapped me on both cheeks (for such a feminine woman, she slaps hard) and Brian Purcell kissed me. The physical violence I can deal with, but the kissing has left me somewhat unsettled.

One court case I'd love to sit in on

It is rare that a headline makes you want to attend a court case.

Usually court cases are dull and long and no matter how much it's sexed-up it's hard to imagine sitting through the case.

Not so this week. Anyone who read the story of Maria Topps' appearance in front of Newcastle Crown court would immediately want to sit in to see her defend a charge of Grievous Bodily Harm on her boyfriend. Particularly if they saw the headline that best summed-up the case; Woman Denies Biting Off Testicles.