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'One man's big arse is another man's fantasy'

'No object is so beautiful, that under certain conditions, it will not look ugly' - Oscar Wilde

I suppose the first question I always ask myself when I see a bird done up to the nines is "how?"

How did she get her hair to look like that? How much blowing and dying and washing and bleaching and colouring and platting and spraying and conditioning and bobbling and layering?

How long did that take? How does it stay in place? How much does that cost? And that's just the hair. The second question that springs into my uncoiffed head is "why?" Why did she feel the need to go to that much effort?

My mother would always say to me "long eyelashes are a sign of beauty". I think this was because she was a doting mother and I had long eyelashes.

These days, long eyelashes are an indicator that the proprietor of said lashes has the motor skills and gumption to glue strands of plastic to their eyelids. The thing with false eyelashes, fake nails, fake tan is that it looks fake.

It's not even trying to fool anyone anymore. A girls' night out on the town requires the cognitive powers and processes normally engaged for putting a model plane together... so much cutting sticking and painting is involved.

Fake tan is a curious one for me. Besides the wretched stink, it nearly always looks terrible; comparable to the colour of a cheap couch, or wax in an elderly country man's ear. What I am trying to say, is that it isn't a pleasant colour.


But you should do whatever it takes to feel confident. If for you that means lashing on the fake tan or super-gluing artificial hair to your eyelids, go for it!

I'll guarantee that there is a guy out there that will love the way you look. Same for if you don't wear a lick of make-up. You should do what you can to make yourself happy and confident, as long as you aren't hurting yourself or breaking the bank to do it.

Don't worry about what other people think about your arse in leggings. Think about how it makes you feel. Do you like the way it jiggles?

Then why don't you squeeze into them again and take your wobble for a walk... go for it girl! Some of us love a bit of junk the trunk. One man's massive arse is another man's fantasy.

Get that chip off your shoulder, stop feeling bad about the way you look, put down the Hobnobs and go for a walk or a cycle... the worst thing you can do for your health and/or beauty is to sit on a sofa and read a magazine with either of those words in the title.