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Men are idiots ... but did we women really need science to point this out?

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Man lying on railway tracks.

Man lying on railway tracks.

Man lying on railway tracks.

THE results are in from a study that will shock half of the world's population.

The other half will look on with sniggering amusement and say: "You call that news? Bless your teeny, weeny idiotic brains."

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, science has now finally proven that men are bigger idiots than women.

Who knew? Well, just about every living, breathing female for the past hundred millennia or so - we've just been keeping it a secret from those delicate little male egos.

Men, you see, are prone to acting very irrationally if confronted with the reality of their own idiotic behaviour.

Which is why women, collectively, have conspired to hide their natural superiority from the true weaker sex. You could say "it's a girl thing".

But this week that ages-old conspiracy has come to an end.

In a devastating report brought to us by super-clever (clearly female) researchers at Newcastle University and published in the Christmas edition of the British Medical Journal, it was revealed that 88.7pc of past recipients of the infamous Darwin Awards have been - yes, you've guessed it - men.

The Darwin Awards are given annually (and posthumously) to people who have died not in merely tragic accidents but in "idiotic accidents involving astonishingly stupid methods".

morons

Examples include a Russian psychic who believed his super-human powers would stop vehicles in their tracks. While testing his abilities he was run over by an express train.

Another 'winner' was a robber in South Africa who, when chased by police, ran into the tiger enclosure at the zoo. Yes, it contained real tigers. Enough said.

And then there was the party animal who took a swig from a bottle of petrol in a friend's house by accident.

He spat it out all over himself and then - as you do - lit a cigarette. He burst into flames as the petrol splashed on his clothes ignited. Bright. Very bright

My own personal favourite is the Iraqi terrorist who mailed a letter-bomb with insufficient postage, only to blow himself up when it was "returned to sender".

So, you get the general idea. It's a case of Men Behaving Stupidly. Or rather, quite a lot of cases of men behaving like brainless morons.

So many that the trend now has it's own scientific acronym - MIT, or Male Idiot Theory.

Some of you may argue that cultural or stereotypical gender differences may account for the ridiculously high proportion of male idiotic behaviour in this world.

Men, you'll tell me, are naturally more inclined to take risks, to engage in scary, thrilling pursuits.

macho

It isn't fair that we call them stupid when what they're doing is being brave and exciting.

Men, we're told, will throw caution to the wind in order to thrill us at sky-diving, race-driving and bungee-jumping.

Blokes aren't stupid, they're just relentlessly brave and daring.

Well, sorry boys, but that well-worn macho explanation for your tendency to fill up A & E departments just won't wash.

In this report the researchers focused on a class of risk that is "in a league of its own", the idiotic risk.

They define this as "senseless risk, where the pay-off is negligible or non-existent and the outcome is very, very bad".

This would include cases where men have shot themselves in the head while demonstrating that a gun is unloaded. Or the two guys in Kenya who tried to take a selfie with a wild elephant.

What's really hilarious about this particular piece of research is the indignant and outraged comments posted by men in reaction to it.

"The dumb broad who wrote this isn't even smart enough to understand the basic law of probability," said one genius, who didn't realise that it was based on a report by a group of scientists.

"Right, that's why most geniuses in the world have been men," complained another disgruntled Einstein.

"Not to mention in the science field, which most women don't have any interest in or aptitude for."

Miaow - someone get that boy a saucer of milk.

And funniest of all? The refreshingly smug git who said: "Whatever . . . women want to be us, we don't want to be women."

"Not true," came the riposte. "I'm always reading problem pages where women come home to find their husbands dressed in their clothes."

Touché. Now, that's smart.


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