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Hipster beards and daft moustaches make me bristle

YOU'D have to wonder sometimes just how newspapers and radio stations would fill space were it not for the myriad of mysterious surveys that pass for news stories.

Every day there's some class of poll judging the best album ever released in the past fortnight, the sexiest evil henchperson in a Bond movie, the worst pub in Temple Bar or some such similar rubbish.

All nonsense of course, because once you look to find the source of said rankings it usually turns out to be some obscure online poll conducted by a magazine or radio station based in a shed.

Honestly, you'd be better off taking a show of hands down your local or – heaven forfend – just making something up.

However, actual research undertaken by the University of New South Wales has hinted that the trend for abundant male facial hair – the scourge of society for the past few years – may be on the wane.

UNSW's scienticians conducted some class of an experiment involving pictures of blokes with schmigs and ranked then according to "negative frequency-dependent sexual selection". That's known to the rest of humanity as the "I would/I wouldn't" test.

Researcher Robert Brooks said: "There is a lot of faddishness with beards, and it might be reaching its zenith. We may well be at peak beard."

'We may well be at peak beard' – read that sentence and start reaching for your razors, all you hipster doofuses.

You might have thought you were being all cutting-edge and ironic, imagining you were living across the Williamsburg Bridge and being oh-so cool playing Buckaroo while drinking over-priced 'artisan' beer in dimly-lit faux dive bars, but you were wrong.

Nope – your choice of facial hair doesn't single you out as being a member of some pseudo-intellectual elite. Not if every other half-eejit arriving from the country to study website design at DIT looks the same as you.

Really, the scienticians at UNSW are only confirming what I realised at least a year ago when I spotted a bunch of lads with those stupid beards wandering down Wexford Street wearing Gaah jersies.


Hipsters don't wear Gaah jersies, so their carefully crafted look has clearly been co-opted by the masses. So lads, this means ye're done. And about time too.

I've always hated beards and moustaches, and thoroughly agreed with the mod and punk ethos in being rabidly against facial hair.

We'll get into the topic of how this affects people's music tastes another day, but for now, the next time you see someone thinking they look cool when they actually resemble an Appalachian coalminer circa 1910, just adopt the voice of Nelson from The Simpsons and yell "Peak beard! Peak beard!" at them.

God, it'll be so much fun.