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David Diebold: Are we supposed to wash our hair with beer now?

This morning I came face to face with a foaming madman, right in my own home.

It put the fear across me, this half naked, bleary-eyed maniac with mad hair and white suds pumping from his cursing mouth.

We both froze, looked at each other and in that single moment were struck by just how simultaneously absurd and appalling this entire situation was.

Gurgling

You see, it's day three without a drop of water in the taps in our house, and I am reduced now to brushing my teeth with sparkling Ballygowan.

And I live in Skerries, the coastal town with its vast mill pond, gurgling streams and waves crashing along miles of coastline, streets glistening this morning from a light rain during the night.

As I recover from the sight of myself in the mirror, I can't help wondering, how did it come to this?

How did it come to our family eating with plastic picnic forks, because precariously high piles of plates and cutlery remain unwashed, having used what seemed like the last bottle of water in the town (non-sparkling) for the dog after she was spotted trying to lick moisture off the lawn.

How did it come to mounds of laundry pushing its way out of the hampers and starting to make its own way out of the door and down the stairs.

How did it come to dressing like a clown for work because the only clothes left in the back of the wardrobe are those wacky shirts bought while drunk on holiday.

How, in the wettest goddamn country in western Europe, am I now standing in the bathroom wondering whether or not I can wash my hair with beer?

It's mad. Not just mad in a 'well, I never, isn't that just mad?' way. Mad in an eyeball-rolling, maniacal, 'smashy smashy' way.

Because in a country like Ireland, where we barely get a patch of decent sunshine all year, the very least you might expect is a dribble of water from our creaking, hollow taps.

In little over a few months this country has been flooded out, snowed under and now it has run dry.

And the foaming madman in the clown suit would like some answers please.


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