Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas this year is a sprinkle of early Christmas spirit. Already the grinches are out whingeing that Halloween is barely over and that the shops are full of baubles, tinsel and Curly Wurly selection boxes.
But ho, ho, ho, in case of emergency, break glass, to break out the Christmas spirit.
And this year, the emergency is the focus of the ghoulish Budget that's coming our way. It's not counterfeit Christmas cheer, just because it's November. One part tinsel and two parts Christmas jumpers equals the most wonderful time of the year. And Santa, what's so bad about that?
There's a Facebook page called 'I can celebrate Christmas as early as I frickin' want to, thanks' for all of us who embrace the festive season and that warm fuzzy feeling it brings. And, no, it's not run by some faceless corporate entity that wants to take your money. It's for those of us who think Christmas 'three for two' gifts and early bargains are manna from heaven.
Organised shoppers like myself get all that stress out of the way, so we can soak up the atmosphere and really enjoy our hot toddy as the rest of the shopperatti queue for hours, stress about getting clamped, sweat gathering on their upper lip in the heat of a department store as they get tetchy with the part-timer at the till. And we can spread the financial pain over a couple of pay cheques.
Men folk, the sales assistants can see you coming at a hundred paces on Christmas Eve. A set of Chanel Number 5 screams unoriginal and last-minute, not classic. She's lying, the shop assistant, when she says the missus will love it. To decode, she means, 'I'm loving the commission that I'm going to get out of this sale'.
It's called 'Christmas Creep' by the way. When Christmas seems to creep in earlier and earlier each year. But when all we can think about is how to kick start the economy, isn't Christmas Creep part of the solution?
If you are related to Scrooge, you don't have to part with greenbacks. You could just wander into town and have a mosey down the decoration aisles to get some inspiration. And there's always boomerang shopping -- buying it and bringing it back if it doesn't suit.
I'm in a festive state of mind. Christmas needs you. To get on board the sleigh early this year. Needs you to put on a bright red jumper, play a game of charades and hum a carol. An office party indiscretion might be wholly appropriate.
Why, I'm feeling so Christmassy, I might even kiss a banker or a politician under the mistletoe ...