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Colette Fitzpatrick: Survival of the twittest? ... sorry, I'm just all twired out

Just like wit and lingerie, brevity is the very soul of it -- Twitter that is.

With just 140 characters to make your point, you don't even need to really pay attention to be part of the Twitterati, who this week, it was tweeted, are tweeting at a rate of 1000 tweets per second.

Cristiano Ronaldo, also famous for being brief, in his shorts, tweeted that he'd become a dad to a baby boy.

The Portuguese footballer isn't the first famous person to micro blog.

Tweet

Here, we all had to give a tweet about the Irish twitosphere when Green party chairman Dan Boyle tweeted how the Green Party supported a Dail motion of confidence in the then Minister for Defence Willie O'Dea in February.

Senator Boyle tweeted that he wasn't happy with what had happened, adding: "believe we bounced into supporting motion".

Twitter became part of the vernacular, even for us most luddite of technophobes.

The Dalai Lama's at it and Demi Moore reportedly thwarted a possible suicide attempt by a woman who tweeted "Getting a knife, a big one that is sharp. Going to cut my arm down the whole arm so it doesn't waste time."

"Hope you are joking," wrote back Moore.

"Gbye...gonna kill myself now," the woman responded.

Officers were sent to the woman's home to get her to a counsellor. Some celebs even have ghost tweeters.

Other celeb tweets aren't even the real thing -- they've just been hijacked. The clue is in the tweets: if they're witty and provocative, chances are it's not actually Madge, Cheryl or Snoop being so twelf indulgent.

To speak Twitter you need to be at ease with the Twitictionary.

If you tweet while drunk, you 'dweet'.

If you 'mistweet', it means you posted a tweet that you later regret.

'Twittcrastination' is procrastination brought on by Twitter use. A 'Twittectomy' is removing someone from the list of people you follow.

'Twitterlooing' is tweeting from the bathroom.

And 'Twittfeinated', 'Twigged Out' and 'Twired' are when you're so hyped up on twittering that you can't sleep.

Fail

A 'fail whale' sighting is when an image of a giant whale being hoisted from the ocean by a flock of tweeting birds appears on your screen.

It means Twitter can't load for you right now because it's weighed down with tweets.

With 41pc of tweets comprised of 'pointless babble' and just 4pc of 'news', it begs the questions can you be hyper-connected, too plugged in and listening to too much cyber noise?

Maybe I'll put that question out there in the Twitterverse.

It's survival of the twittest after all.

And keeping your thoughts to yourself is so last century ...

Is newly skinny Tyra America's next top hypocrite?

'Kiss my bony ass' will be Tyra Banks' next pop at her critics.

The former supermodel has shed over two stone recently in what she claims is a bid 'to get healthy'.

The America's Next Top Model presenter previously told her detractors to 'kiss my fat ass' after pictures appeared of her in a swimsuit looking more fuller figured than in her modelling days. They prompted cruel headlines like America's Next Top Waddle.

Why the U-turn Tyra? Weren't you supposed to be the poster girl for curvy girls everywhere who refused to starve themselves to meet unrealistic expectations?

What happened to embracing 'your fat ass'.

Tyra's not the first girl who claimed to love her curves but then started to evaporate before our eyes.

Sophie Dahl went from a size 16 to a 10, losing fans who felt betrayed by her loss of weight. Star Jones, Kirsty Alley and Kelly Osbourne all claimed they were comfortable with their size and shape yet all went on to graduate with honours from dieting college.

Is there any celebrity or woman who genuinely loves her curves and her bigger size? Or are all plus size women secretly praying for a weight-loss fairy god- mother to help shed those pounds with a wave of a gastric band wand? Can you really be happy being fat? Or are you always secretly trying to locate your inner beanpole?

TV presenter Anne Diamond gave the skinny on her weight loss when she said she was never fat and happy.

She revealed she was miserable when overweight, felt ignored by shop assistants and couldn't even wax her bikini line.

So Tyra, what's the scoop with you? Did you really love your 'fat ass' or are you really like most people and would prefer to be a slim, healthy version of yourself, who likes the look of her new body in the mirror?

If you say you really don't care what weight you are, we don't believe you. Who are you kidding?

You are still on the way to becoming America's next top hypocrite ...


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