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Colette Fitzpatrick: Stuff the cosmetics, we want real men

SOME 78pc of men admit to stealing their partner's toiletries in the bathroom, according to menareuseless.com.

Like the dandies of yesteryear, productloving men are looking in a mirror near you. No, that's not Cristiano Ronaldo looking back, it's an Irish man being inveigled into parting with cash to ‘rejuvenate, repair and energise' his complexion.

BLUSHES

Just because it has a macho name like ‘skin defence mechanism’ or ‘face protector’ doesn't mean it's not an overpriced moisturiser.

Tony Blair famously used Touche Eclat – an undereye concealer. But it's not just metrosexuals who are prone to war paint. Bertie's blushes weren't spared when it was revealed that he clocked up a whopping ¤95,000 between 1998 and 2002 on cosmetics. And boy-tox isn't just reserved for gay men. Narcissistic straight men are now opting for maintenance too.

But it's the difference between the sexes that many women find most attractive. I'm not talking about beer bellies, moobs, hairy backs and sweat but a certain ‘I couldn't care less whether I have love handles' attitude makes a woman feel, well, more feminine. Think Michael Fassbender, Benicio del Toro, Russell Crowe and Hugh Jackman.

Where are you, macho man? The unmoisturised, huntergatherer whose beauty regime consists of a shaver and a bar of Imperial Leather. Macho doesn't mean uncaring, it means cares less about his looks.

Get off the sunbed and stop drinking lattes and cocktails. Don't bother getting in touch with your feminine side, concentrate on mine…

Children are ultimate vanity project for celeb mommies who think kids' sole function is to make them happy

I see Katie Holmes has jumped aboard the celebrity sanctimommies bandwagon with gusto.

In a recent interview she said: "Whatever Suri wants to do, I know she's going to be amazing at it. I've already started my applause, and I will be applauding for the rest of my life."

I applaud you, Katie, for living with a man who believes Scientologists are the only people capable of helping at the site of car accidents.

(If you haven't heard about these insights and are in the humour for realising how normal you are, check out hubbie Tom's musings about Scientology on YouTube).

And I can see, Katie, how living with such a looper could push you to spout such sanctimonious, nauseating, deluded drivel about your offspring. How did anyone ever manage to rear a child without the whittering on of these celeb mommies?



PRAISE

Katie, Giselle, Denise van Outen, we all honestly couldn't care less what you think about breastfeeding, smoking, dressing during pregnancy, your children's development/schooling/ career or your parenting skills.

Mammies and grannies across the country must be baffled about all this over-thinking, over-analysing, over-everything when it comes to children.

How did we all manage to make it through life without the constant ringing of applause and praise in our ears?

Children are the ultimate vanity project for celebrities.

These VIP kids are a newer, purer version of themselves, to reflect what they could have been, had they every single thing and choice in life thrown at them. Their sole function in life is not to make you happy and rearing them is not the hardest job you can have.

Do you seriously think it's harder than being a life-saving surgeon, for example?

Wazoo

Especially when you have nannies, PAs and cash coming out the wazoo.

How about saying something useful about, say, the fight against childhood obesity, like Michelle Obama?

How about not buying your own private ultrasound scanning machine.

Yep, Katie and Tom did just that when little Suri was in the womb.

With A-list hubris they couldn't wait, like the rest of the world's parents, to see their unborn child at doctor's visits; they had to be able to see her on demand.

There are heaps of celebrity mommies in training such as LiLo, Scarlett Johansson and Jennifer Aniston.

Remember ladies, when your biological clock starts to tick, take out the batteries unless you have a good reason to have them.


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