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All that stupid psychowaffle would suggest Paltrow's unhinged, not uncoupled

In a week hardly short on news stories, there was one event that stood head and shoulders above the rest for me.

Certainly, people were rightly occupied by the garda tape revelations and speculation as to the future of Justice Minister Alan Shatter. The disappearance of Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 continues to mystify, and then there's that little business of Russia doing a spot of housekeeping in the corner of its backyard that is Crimea.

All very well, but honestly, what about Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin (inset)?

Several people who've probably never met the couple took to various social media networks to announce how "devastated" they were at the news that their marriage of a decade was finished, but apparently the pair had been drifting apart for the past five years.

SWANKY

According to one news report, Chris had left the couple's London mansion and was "forced to sleep in a bandmate's tiny flat".

Now, dramatic as that may sound, Coldplay have sold in excess of 30 million albums, so I'd imagine that if he's kipping down with one of his bandmates it wouldn't be a duvet on the couch for a couple of nights "until I get meself sorted" job, but something altogether more swanky.

What really stood out about the whole thing, however, was the way the parting was announced.

A message appeared on Paltrow's website under the heading Conscious Uncoupling. Alongside the usual pseudo-mystical psychowaffle and mad dietary advice we've come to associate with one of Hollywood's most irritatingly smug people, the post detailed how the pair are still very much in love but that this separation "brings wholeness to the spirits of both people who choose to recognise each other as their teacher".

She really is really annoying, isn't she?

One can only imagine that Martin's fellow members of Coldplay are secretly rather pleased at this outcome, as one of the first things she did when she came into their orbit was persuade her bloke to have smoking and drinking banned on the tour bus.

This led to rumours that the bus's other occupants felt there might be a Yoko in their midst and that the main songwriter would soon be flying the coop for a solo career.

DOWNSIDE

Well, with Gwynnie out of the way, Martin could well be forgiven for embarking on some Unconscious Coupling of his own as the band get ready to release and tour their sixth album this summer.

The only other downside I can think of is that, given Chris Martin's lyrics are already roughly about as profound as something you'd find on a Hallmark card, what in the name of God is this going to do to his, ahem, creative process?

I fear the worst.


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